Limerence: Meaning, signs, causes, and how to overcome it

Reviewed by Brooks Baer, LCPC, CMHP

Written by

therapist.com team

08/15/2024

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What is limerence?

Limerence is an intense emotional state that stems from an overwhelming romantic obsession with another person. The person receiving the attention is often referred to as the “limerent object” (LO). The person experiencing limerence typically feels an intense longing for the LO, characterized by intrusive thoughts, heightened emotional reactivity, and a strong desire for mutual affection.

Limerence vs. having a crush: While crushes are typically mild and fleeting, limerence is more intense and long-lasting. Limerence involves a deeper emotional investment and often leads to obsessive thoughts and behaviors.

Limerence vs. infatuation: Limerence can involve infatuation, but infatuation alone is often short-lived and based on superficial attraction. Limerence, on the other hand, is more intense and can persist for months or even years.

Limerence vs. love: Limerence is often one-sided and involves intense emotional highs and lows. Love, on the other hand, tends to be more stable and enduring—especially in a healthy relationship where feelings are reciprocated.

Limerence stages

Limerence often unfolds in a series of stages, each with its own unique characteristics and emotional triggers. Several different models have been used to describe the stages of limerence, typically ranging from three to seven stages. One widely accepted model divides it into five distinct phases:¹

1. Pre-limerence: Initially, you may find yourself longing for love without having focused your attention on a specific person. This stage is marked by a readiness for connection but doesn’t yet involve a designated LO. Your desire to feel intensely loved fuels this state.
2. Pre-reciprocity: As your interest sharpens towards the LO, you enter a stage of intense focus. You may not feel immediate sexual attraction, but there’s a strong desire for emotional and physical intimacy. Nonverbal cues of interest are common in this phase. If these signals are ignored, you may feel despair for a time, but eventually resume your pursuit.
3. Reciprocity: If the LO responds positively to the advances, or has feelings of love or interest themselves, this triggers a period of intense emotion and obsession. This stage can vary in length, often shortened by increasing levels of mutual affection. Both uncertainty and the emotional extremes that come with it are reduced during this phase.
4. Gradual dissolution: With time, the intensity of your feelings may diminish. This can lead to anxiety or attempts to rekindle the initial excitement. Responses during this stage can range from feelings of betrayal to efforts to restore previous emotional highs.
5. Post-limerence: In this phase limerence subsides entirely, hopefully making room for a more stable and communicative relationship. Achieving this stage is rare due to the emotional turmoil that often accompanies limerence.

Limerence symptoms

Signs of limerence can be seen in various behaviors, including:²

• Obsessive attachment to a specific person
• Overwhelming longing for the person’s attention
• Persistent, intense feelings for the person that lasts for months or years
• Addictive and obsessive rumination about the person
• Involuntary and all-consuming thoughts about the person
• Intrusive thoughts about the person that interfere with daily life
• Imagining your feelings are reciprocated
• Idealization of the person
• Physical symptoms (such as sweating or heart palpitations)

Who is prone to limerence?

Anyone can experience limerence, no matter their age, gender identity, background, or current relationship status. Women, however, may be slightly more prone to experiencing it than men.³

What causes limerence?

The exact causes of limerence aren’t fully understood and is likely influenced by a mix of psychological and environmental factors. It shares some characteristics with the following mental health conditions:⁴

• Anxious attachment style
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
• Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)

People with an anxious attachment style may be more prone to experiencing limerence due to their heightened need for emotional validation and fear of abandonment. Similarly, those with OCD may find their repetitive thought patterns align with the intrusive thoughts common in limerent experiences. People with ADHD often have impulsivity and hyperfocus, which could also fuel the obsessive qualities typical in limerence.

Some research suggests that the obsessive behavior behind limerence may be triggered by a combination of hormones and neurotransmitters, similar to the brain chemistry involved in addiction.⁵ Like people with behavioral addictions, people experiencing limerence may spend a lot of time thinking about and pursuing their LO even when they know it comes with a risk of extreme emotional highs and lows.

Despite sharing similarities with these conditions, limerence isn’t considered a mental health disorder but rather a distinct cognitive state. These conditions don’t necessarily cause limerence, but they may increase the likelihood of experiencing it or intensify its effects.

The intensity of limerence may also be influenced by personal circumstances, such as loneliness, low self-esteem, or a desire for emotional connection. It’s possible some people may even be more susceptible to limerence due to their personality traits, such as a tendency towards idealization or a strong need for validation from others.

Modern technology, such as social media, can further enable limerence. These platforms provide constant access to information about the LO, fueling obsessive thoughts and behaviors.

Living with limerence and its impact

Limerence can significantly impact daily life, affecting personal relationships, work performance, and overall well-being.⁶ Those who experience it may find themselves constantly distracted, unable to focus on tasks or engage meaningfully with others. In severe cases, limerence may lead to:⁷

• Symptoms similar to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Depression
• Attachment anxiety
• Self-harm tendencies
• Stalking behaviors
• Breakdown of existing relationships
• Intense emotional highs and lows
• Difficulty in maintaining daily routines or focus

How does limerence usually end?

Limerence tends to end in one of the following ways:⁸

• The intense feelings gradually fade over time as they run their course.
• The limerent person is rejected by the LO, which helps break the obsession. It can also result in a renewed state of limerence—for the same person or for someone else.
• The limerent person’s feelings are reciprocated by the LO, causing an intense period of mutual limerence. In rare cases, this may lead to a stable relationship. If it doesn’t, limerence fades or is redirected to a new LO.  
• The limerent person consciously decides to stop the limerence and learns to end it through effort and practice.

How long does limerence last?

Early research suggested that limerence typically lasts between 18 months to three years.⁹ More recent research indicates that the duration can vary greatly depending on individual circumstances and personality traits. Some people may experience limerence for only a few weeks, while others may struggle with it for decades. Factors influencing the duration include:

• The level of reciprocation from the LO
• Personal resilience and coping mechanisms
• External life events and stressors
• Availability of support systems
• Presence of underlying mental health conditions

How to get over limerence

Learning how to beat limerence can be challenging, but there are several strategies that may help:

Practice mindfulness and self-awareness. Mindfulness techniques can help you recognize and manage intrusive thoughts about the LO.

Limit contact with the LO. Reducing exposure to the object of your affections can help break the cycle of obsessive thoughts and behaviors. This may include unfollowing them on social media or avoiding places where you’re likely to encounter them.

Challenge idealized thoughts about the LO. Recognize that your perception of the LO may be distorted. Try to see them as a real person with flaws and imperfections. This can help break the idealized image you’ve created.

Engage in self-care and personal growth. Focus on your own interests, hobbies, and goals. This can help boost self-esteem and reduce the need for external validation.

Seek professional help. A therapist can provide guidance and support in managing limerent feelings and addressing any underlying issues. Exposure and response prevention (ERP), a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) used to treat OCD, has been shown to be effective in treating limerence.¹⁰ Visit our directory to find a therapist near you who specializes in these types of therapy.