Retroactive jealousy: Signs, causes, and how to overcome it

Reviewed by Brooks Baer, LCPC, CMHP

Written by

therapist.com team

Last updated: 10/01/2024

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What is retroactive jealousy?

Retroactive jealousy is when you feel jealous or insecure about your partner’s past relationships or sexual experiences. It often involves intrusive thoughts and mental images, as well as emotional distress about your partner’s romantic history. It can happen even if your partner cut ties with their past partners months or years ago.

Is retroactive jealousy normal?

It’s normal to feel a little curious, or even slightly uncomfortable, about a partner’s past. But retroactive jealousy can sometimes go beyond normal levels of concern.

It becomes problematic when it interferes with your current relationship or well-being. In some cases, retroactive jealousy may be a sign of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD). ROCD involves obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors related to intimate relationships.

Signs of retroactive jealousy

Some common signs of retroactive jealousy include:¹

• Obsessive thoughts about your partner’s past relationships
• Constantly asking your partner questions about their exes
• Having trouble understanding your partner’s romantic history from their perspective
• Feeling considerably angry, anxious, or depressed about your partner’s romantic history
• Comparing yourself to your partner’s exes
• Feeling inferior or inadequate because of your partner’s past relationships
• Difficulty trusting your partner due to their past
• Checking up on your partner’s exes on social media
• Difficulty enjoying intimate moments with your partner
• Acting impulsively on emotions in ways that harm intimacy
• Guilting or punishing your partner into feeling bad about their past
• Feeling powerless over your thoughts and actions, leading to guilt and shame

Retroactive jealousy triggers

In general, anything that threatens your sense of self-esteem or your perception of your relationship could trigger retroactive jealousy.² This might include:

• Hearing about or seeing reminders of your partner’s past relationships
• Discovering new information about your partner’s romantic history
• Encountering your partner’s ex in person or on social media
• Watching movies or TV shows featuring infidelity
• Discussing relationship histories with friends or family
• Experiencing relationship milestones that your partner has already experienced with someone else
• Feeling insecure about your own romantic history or lack thereof
• Encountering situations that highlight differences between you and your partner’s exes

What causes retroactive jealousy?

It isn’t fully understood what causes retroactive jealousy because it’s a relatively under-researched emotion. Most of our understanding comes from building on findings from studies about traditional jealousy, which typically focus on current or future threats to relationships.

One possible explanation is that retroactive jealousy is caused by a disruption in the sufferer’s sense of meaning in relationships. Basically, when a person learns about their partner’s past relationships, it threatens their belief that their current relationship is special or unique. This threat has been found to predict retroactive jealousy.³

The rise of social media has also contributed to increased retroactive jealousy. Social networking platforms can present unhealthy opportunities for comparison by preserving evidence of past relationships. Research shows that people often use these platforms to gather information about their partner’s past or fact-check information they’ve disclosed, potentially fueling retroactive jealousy.⁴

Traditional jealousy is associated with anxious attachment styles.⁵ But one of the few studies specifically examining retroactive jealousy found that attachment style wasn’t a significant predictor.⁶ This suggests that the processes behind retroactive jealousy may differ from those of traditional jealousy.

It’s possible that the stage and commitment level of a relationship may play a role. Research on traditional jealousy indicates that partners who are less committed, or who are in the early stages of their relationship, are more likely to experience jealousy compared to those in more established, committed relationships.⁷

Certain personality traits have also been linked to typical forms of jealousy.⁸ Higher levels of neuroticism and lower levels of agreeableness and openness have been found to predict higher levels of romantic jealousy. Although these findings aren’t specific to retroactive jealousy, they may offer insights into why some people are more prone to jealousy than others.

How retroactive jealousy affects mental health

Retroactive jealousy can have a significant impact on your mental health and well-being. Research has identified three main ways this type of jealousy can affect you:⁹

1. Negative feelings about yourself and your relationship, often stemming from comparison to your partner’s exes. You might also start to see your partner and your relationship in a more negative light, or feel like you’ve been wronged somehow.
2. An overwhelming need to know more, which usually leads to more distress. You might keep asking your partner for details or reassurance, which often makes things worse instead of better.
3. Constant, uncontrolled thoughts, as if there’s a “devil on your shoulder” making illogical and hurtful suggestions. These jealous thoughts become a constant backdrop to your relationship, always present at some level.

These experiences can be extremely draining. People with retroactive jealousy often feel exhausted, powerless, anxious, and ashamed of their thoughts and behaviors. You might create imaginary scenarios about your partner’s past that feel very real and cause a lot of pain. These thoughts can feel uncontrollable, making you feel even more helpless.

Even if you generally know that that you have a choice about how to behave, retroactive jealousy may cause you to frequently lose control and act against your values. As a result, your sense of self-worth may suffer.

If your mental health is suffering because of retroactive jealousy, or any other relationship challenges, a licensed therapist can help.

How to deal with retroactive jealousy

You can recover from retroactive jealousy, but overcoming it may require going above and beyond trying to accept or move on from your partner’s past. Therapy that focuses on helping you build a special romantic relationship, develop a stable sense of self, and act according to your values rather than your fears may be most effective.¹⁰ Retroactive jealousy treatments might involve:

• Psychoeducation, which can teach you that feelings of betrayal and jealousy are natural (but not always helpful) responses to past events. Understanding this can help you create healthy ways to deal with these feelings.
• Cognitive defusion techniques, which are often used in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) to help you distance yourself from certain thoughts. These techniques can include recognizing that thoughts are just thoughts, not facts, or visualizing them floating away like clouds.
• Models like the Sound Relationship House from the Gottman method of couples therapy, which provides a framework for improving communication, trust, and commitment between partners.

Even though attachment insecurities don’t appear to be heavily linked to retroactive jealousy, it could still be helpful to address attachment-related concerns in therapy. This may involve exploring early relationship experiences and developing more secure attachment patterns.

To learn more about recovering from retroactive jealousy, visit our directory to find a therapist in your area.

How to date someone with retroactive jealousy

Supporting your partner as they deal with retroactive jealousy can be challenging, but there are strategies that can help:

• Practice patience and empathy
• Set clear boundaries to protect your own well-being
• Avoid sharing unnecessary details about your past
• Focus on building trust and intimacy in your current relationship
• Reassure your partner of your commitment
• Engage in open, honest communication about your feelings
• Encourage your partner to engage in interests and activities that boost their self-esteem

Remember that you’re not responsible for managing your partner’s emotions. Encourage your partner to seek professional help if their jealousy is significantly impacting your relationship or their mental health.