Infidelity: Meaning, signs, causes, impact, and how to heal

Reviewed by Stephanie Steinman, PhD, CSAC

Written by

therapist.com team

Last updated: 12/09/2024

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What is infidelity? 

Broadly speaking, infidelity means being unfaithful to your partner. Exactly what being unfaithful means depends on each person’s perspective. It typically involves breaking the promises you’ve made, or rules you’ve agreed to, in your relationship.  

What’s considered infidelity is largely determined by the boundaries set within each relationship. Some couples may view flirting as harmless, while others consider it a serious breach of trust. Women tend to have stricter views on the definition than men, and younger people are usually less tolerant of it than older people.¹  

One study showed that roughly 1 in every 4 married or cohabitating partners reported either they, their partner, or both having been intimate outside of the relationship.² Sexual infidelity is considered to be one of the most damaging forms of infidelity.³ 

Types of infidelity 

There are countless examples of what infidelity can look like. But regardless of the exact act, it generally falls within one of several types:  

• Physical or sexual infidelity: Having intimate physical contact with someone outside the relationship 

• Emotional infidelity: Developing romantic feelings or intimate bonds with others (sometimes called an “emotional affair”) 

• Digital infidelity: Inappropriate online relationships, sexting, or viewing pornography when you agreed not to

• Financial infidelity: Hiding money or making secret purchases 

Infidelity signs 

Both the unfaithful partner and the faithful partner may behave differently due to a transgression.⁴ 

In the unfaithful partner, signs that may indicate infidelity include:⁵ 

• Increased anger  

• Being more likely to argue 

• Exaggerated affection 

• Difficulty becoming aroused 

• Avoiding sex 

• Significant changes in sleep patterns 

• Increased demand for privacy 

• Making excuses to spend time alone 

• Changing passwords or not allowing access to phone or computer 

Whether they’re fully aware of the betrayal or not, the faithful partner will likely notice a change in their relationship’s dynamic. They may experience: 

• A loss of trust in the relationship 

• Decreased self-esteem 

• Feelings of isolation or disconnection 

• Emotional distress 

• Relationship dissatisfaction 

• Extreme sensitivity and suspicion of the other partner’s activities 

• Obsessive thoughts about their partner’s behavior 

• Difficulty sleeping 

• Trouble focusing on work or other tasks 

• Checking behaviors, such as calling more or looking at partner’s electronics 

If you suspect your partner is being unfaithful, it’s important to avoid making accusations without evidence. Try to have an open, honest conversation with your partner about your concerns and feelings. 

If you’re unsure how to address the issue, consider speaking with a mental health professional who specializes in relationships. They can provide emotional support and help you think through your next steps. 

Causes of infidelity 

Research suggests multiple factors contribute to how likely infidelity may be in a given relationship.⁶  

These factors include: 

• Relationship dissatisfaction, whether it stems from unmet emotional needs, poor communication, or lack of quality time together 

• Certain personality traits, such as neuroticism and permissive attitudes towards sex 

• Opportunity and circumstance, such as working closely with members of the opposite sex, traveling frequently for work, or spending extended periods apart 

• Cultural and societal factors, such as an increased presence of women in the workplace and greater social acceptance of divorce 

• Technology and social media, which have made it easier to engage in digital infidelity through dating apps, social media platforms, and messaging services 

• A personal history of cheating, which can make it significantly more likely to happen again in the future 

How infidelity impacts couples 

Infidelity can have a profound and devastating impact on couples.⁷ The betrayed partner may experience intense feelings of anger, insecurity, jealousy, and humiliation. They may struggle with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and even symptoms similar to those of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). 

In many cases, the betrayal damages or destroys the romantic relationship, leading to separation or divorce. The breach of trust can be so severe that couples find it impossible to rebuild their connection. 

While the emotional impacts alone can be overwhelming, new research suggests infidelity can also have long-term implications for physical health.⁸ People who experienced it reported worse chronic health conditions, even after controlling for factors like age, gender, education, ethnicity, employment status, and income level. 

Can you overcome infidelity? 

While surviving infidelity is challenging, many couples successfully rebuild their relationships through dedicated effort and with professional help. The healing process requires complete transparency, patience, and understanding from both partners.  

Key steps in rebuilding after infidelity include:⁹ 

• Assessing the damage 

• Restating commitment 

• Creating accountability 

• Rebuilding the connection 

• Communicating openly 

• Regaining trust 

• Moving towards deeper forgiveness 

The couple’s shared history and cultural backgrounds, and support from others (whether from friends and family or a therapist), can shape how they experience and heal from infidelity.  

Unsurprisingly, researchers found that rebuilding trust is not easy for the betrayed partner.¹⁰ Whether trust can be rebuilt depends on several factors, such as: 

• Whether or not the betrayed partner can forgive 

• The partner who was unfaithful making positive, consistent changes in their behavior 

• The partner who was unfaithful being more open, cooperative, and supportive in the relationship 

People are less likely to forgive their romantic partners for sexual and technology-based cheating (like sexting) than they are emotional indescretions.¹¹ This is especially true for anxiously attached people, who find it harder to forgive these betrayals. 

Does infidelity pain ever go away? 

While the pain of infidelity can diminish over time, it may not disappear completely. Certain triggers—like anniversaries, certain locations, or situations similar to the betrayal—can resurface painful memories years later.  

Research shows that how people perceive their partner’s infidelity can significantly influence how the betrayal impacts their emotional and mental health.¹² People who blame their unfaithful partner for causing the infidelity, and feel they should be held accountable, tend to experience more stress. This stress can lead to increased symptoms of depression and anxiety. 

However, the same study also found that self-esteem can be an important factor in dampening the impact of infidelity. People with high self-esteem tend to view themselves as capable of handling stress and are better at self-regulation. Because of this, self-esteem can be a strong defense for the stress, and the heartache, that follows infidelity. 

How therapy can help with infidelity 

Therapy can play an important role in helping couples communicate openly, process emotions, deepen forgiveness, and gradually restore trust after infidelity.¹³  

Common therapeutic approaches which have been shown to improve intimacy and forgiveness among partners include:¹⁴  

• Integrative behavioral couple therapy (IBCT)¹⁵  

• Emotionally focused therapy (EFT)

• Cognitive behavioral couple therapy (CBT)  

Not all infidelity counseling is the same. Research has shown certain therapists have higher levels of comfort, preparedness, effectiveness, and confidence in treating infidelity than others.¹⁶ In particular, therapists who attend infidelity training, have higher education (such as a doctoral degree), are highly experienced, and specialize in marriage and family therapy may be most effective.

Remember, if you’ve experienced infidelity from either side, help is available. Visit our directory to find qualified therapists in your area who specialize in infidelity recovery.