Love languages: Examples, benefits, and limitations

Reviewed by Robert Bogenberger, PhD

Written by

therapist.com team

Last updated: 03/24/2025

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What are love languages?

Love languages are a concept introduced by Gary Chapman in his 1992 book “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.” They describe how people prefer to give and receive love.

According to Chapman, each person has their own preferred way of expressing and receiving affection.¹ He claims that when partners understand and use each other’s love languages, their relationship becomes stronger.

The 5 love languages

Chapman identified five love languages that describe how people express and prefer to receive love.² In action, these languages may look different depending on the relationship. Here are the five languages, and some ways they may be expressed:

1. Words of affirmation: Giving compliments or praise

• Saying “I’m proud of you” after an achievement
• Leaving encouraging notes for your partner to find
• Sending thoughtful text messages
• Regularly saying “I love you”

2. Quality time: Spending focused time together

• Having device-free dinner conversations
• Taking walks together after work
• Planning regular date nights
• Sharing a hobby or learning something new together

3. Giving and receiving gifts: Gifting physical tokens of affection

• Bringing home your partner’s favorite flowers or snack
• Giving meaningful birthday presents
• Bringing back a small souvenir from travel
• Making handmade gifts for special occasions

4. Acts of service: Supporting your partner by doing practical tasks

• Making coffee for your partner in the morning
• Taking care of chores they usually handle
• Fixing something that’s broken
• Cooking your partner their favorite meal

5. Physical touch: Connecting physically in different ways

• Holding hands while walking
• Giving a comforting hug after a hard day
• Offering back rubs or shoulder massages
• Cuddling while watching TV

Chapman argues that understanding and speaking your partner’s primary love language is key to a lasting relationship.³ While people naturally understand and use their own primary love language, they can learn to “speak” other ones.

For instance, a husband might recognize his wife’s need for words of affirmation even though he personally prefers physical touch. This shows the difference between expressed love languages (how we show love) and felt love languages (how we prefer to receive love).

The benefits of using love languages

Understanding and actively using love languages could have positive effects on both relationships and individual well-being. There’s not much research focused specifically on love languages. But some small studies show using them could lead to:

Increased relationship and sexual satisfaction. In one small study, couples that matched on love language preference were found to have more relationship and sexual satisfaction.⁴ Unsurprisingly, people who expressed affection in the way their partner preferred to receive it tended to report greater overall satisfaction than those who did not meet their partner’s needs.

Enhanced empathy. Engaging with a partner’s love language fosters empathy and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs, which can further improve relationship quality.⁵ Empathy may be especially helpful for men in strengthening relationships.⁶

Better mental health. A study of couples facing health challenges found that using love languages effectively can help reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety, even when physical symptoms worsen.⁷ This suggests that love languages might play a role in emotional resilience during difficult times.

Beyond these broad benefits, each love language touches on certain actions that can offer mental health advantages:

• Words of affirmation from a partner can help people with low self-esteem feel just as good about themselves and their relationship as people with high self-esteem when framed correctly.⁸
• Quality time spent with a partner can help reduce stress and depressive symptoms in some people.⁹
• Giving gifts can signal a partner’s commitment to the relationship, which may help reduce relationship anxiety and increase feelings of security.¹⁰
• Acts of service that inspire genuine gratitude can increase relationship satisfaction and connection for both partners, acting like a “booster shot” for the relationship.¹¹
• Physical touch, such as massage, can help reduce stress and improve overall well-being in both the giving and receiving partner.¹²

Where love languages fall short

Despite being a cultural phenomenon, the concept of love languages hasn’t been widely studied. Of the studies that have been conducted, many have found mixed or limited evidence of their effectiveness. And beyond the lack of research, there are other complaints that have been raised about the concept.

Bias

Critics of the love language model point out that it was developed from Chapman’s own anecdotal experience counseling couples through his church.¹³ Because of this, it may be skewed towards the experiences of American, heterosexual couples. It may not accurately represent, or apply to, a variety of other cultures or relationship types.

Misunderstanding preferences

Love language preferences are often misunderstood between partners. In a recent study, researchers found that people often have biased views of their partner’s preferences, which affected how they expressed affection.¹⁴

Preferences don’t predict results

Chapman claimed that successfully “speaking” your partner’s preferred love language would create a stronger relationship. But one study seemed to show that this isn’t the case.¹⁵ Instead, it found that words of affirmation and quality time best predicted feelings of love and satisfaction, regardless of what love language participants said they preferred.

A small piece of the puzzle

Love languages only consider a small portion of what goes into a relationship. Other personality traits and factors may play a more significant role in relationship satisfaction. One study showed that having matching love languages showed little connection to relationship satisfaction.¹⁶ Instead, each partner’s ability to self-regulate their emotions and behaviors was a stronger predictor of satisfaction. This was especially true for women’s self-regulation skills.

Although love languages can be a helpful framework for understanding relationship dynamics, they shouldn’t be viewed as a solution for relationship issues. If you’re experiencing relationship challenges, consider seeking professional help from a qualified relationship counselor or therapist

What’s my love language?

If you’re interested in learning your primary love language, you can take the official love language quiz. ¹⁷ It may also be helpful to simply sit and reflect on how you naturally express affection and what makes you feel most loved.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What actions from your partner make you feel appreciated?
• How do you typically show love to others?
• What do you most often request, or look forward to receiving, from your partner?
• What behaviors or gestures from past relationships made you feel most valued?
• When do you feel most connected to your partner?
• What causes you to feel hurt or unloved?

Try journaling about your answers to these questions over time to identify patterns. Consider sharing your reflections with your partner and encouraging them to do the same.

Learning your partner’s love language

Using love languages is a two-way street. While it’s helpful to tell your partner about your preferences, it’s equally important to understand and respect theirs. Here are some ways to learn your partner’s love language:

• Observe how they naturally show love to you and others
• Ask them directly about what makes them feel appreciated
• Notice what they worry about in the relationship
• Pay attention to the requests they make
• Watch their reactions to different expressions of love
• Consider their family background and how affection was shown growing up

Keep in mind that love languages may evolve or shift over time. What made you feel loved during the early stages of dating might differ from what you need in a long-term partnership.

Stay open with your partner about your emotional needs and be willing to adapt your expressions of love. Regular check-ins about love languages could help ensure that you both feel valued and understood.

Learning to speak each other’s love languages may not be enough to create change in your relationship. Consider exploring your relationship dynamics in couples therapy or individually with the help of a qualified professional. Visit our directory to find a therapist near you.