Emotionally unavailable: Meaning, signs, and how to heal

Reviewed by Susan Radzilowski, MSW, LMSW, ACSW

Written by

therapist.com team

Last updated: 11/27/2024

Share this article

Share article

Share this article on Facebook Share this article on Twitter Share this article on LinkedIn Share this article on Messenger Share this article in email Copy the link to this article Print this article

What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?

If someone is emotional unavailable, it means they have difficulty forming deep emotional connections or expressing their feelings openly.¹ People who are emotionally unavailable often struggle to be vulnerable, maintain intimate relationships, or engage in meaningful emotional exchanges.

What causes emotional unavailability?

Emotional unavailability often stems from early life experiences and attachment patterns.³ Childhood trauma, neglectful parenting, or inconsistent emotional support can create defensive patterns that continue into adulthood.

Other factors that could limit a person’s emotional availability include:

• Past relationship trauma or betrayal
• Cultural and societal pressures (including gender norms)
• Family modeling of emotional distance
• Unresolved grief or loss
• Substance abuse or addiction
• Prioritizing logic over emotions
• Mental health conditions

Signs of emotional unavailability

Research on emotional availability (EA) focuses on the connection between parents and children. It describes four key dimensions that show adult emotional availability.² These dimensions are sensitivity, emotional structuring, non-intrusiveness, and non-hostility.

“Sensitivity” refers to the ability of an adult to connect with their child and maintain a healthy, positive relationship. “Emotional structuring” involves helping a child become independent by meeting them where they are. “Non-intrusiveness” involves letting the child take the lead and giving them space. “Non-hostility” refers to the adult being able to control their own emotions and not let them impact their child.

Emotional unavailability could be viewed as the other end of these four dimension, occurring when an adult falls short of these goals. Emotional unavailability could look like:

Lack of emotional sensitivity

• Difficulty recognizing emotional cues
• Dismissing or minimizing feelings
• Struggling with empathy
• Difficulty identifying emotions

Poor emotional structuring

• Inconsistent displays of emotion
• Difficulty maintaining stable relationships
• Inability to create safe emotional spaces
• Avoiding deep conversations

Intrusive behaviors

• Being overly critical or judgmental
• Controlling or demanding emotional responses
• Impatience with emotions

Hostile patterns

• Withdrawing when others show vulnerability
• Creating emotional distance
• Responding with anger or criticism to emotional needs
• Refusing to take responsibility for emotional impact

Other potential signs of emotional unavailability include avoidance and defense mechanisms such as:

• Fear of commitment or intimacy
• Keeping relationships superficial
• Prioritizing work or hobbies over relationships
• Repeatedly choosing unavailable or incompatible partners
• Reluctance to discuss the future of relationships
• Tendency to rationalize or intellectualize feelings

Am I emotionally unavailable?

It’s normal to show signs of emotional unavailability at certain points in your life. But that doesn’t mean you’re permanently or harmfully emotionally unavailable.

If you’re going through a period of stress or difficulty, it’s natural to withdraw or have less emotional capacity to offer those around you. In many cases, people bounce back after taking the time they need to process, recover, and heal.

However, if these patterns become persistent or interfere with forming meaningful connections, they may be a sign of a deeper issue. A qualified mental health professional can help you explore these patterns and develop healthier emotional responses.

Mental health conditions and emotional availability

Mental health conditions can affect a person’s ability to form and maintain emotional connections. For instance, depression can lead to emotional numbness and withdrawal, while anxiety might cause fear of vulnerability that leads to emotional suppression.^4,5

Personality disorders, particularly borderline personality disorder (BPD), can significantly influence how someone experiences and expresses emotions.⁶ Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can also lead people to struggle with emotional regulation.⁷

It’s important to note that just because someone experiences mental health challenges doesn’t mean they’re emotionally unavailable. Likewise, someone who’s emotionally unavailable doesn’t necessarily have a mental health condition.

The relationship between mental health and emotional availability is complex and unique to each person. Professional support can help address both mental health concerns and emotional availability challenges, separately or together.

The impact of emotional unavailability

Emotional unavailability can have far-reaching consequences on many types of relationships.

On romantic relationships

In romantic relationships, emotional unavailability can lead to a lack of open communication, mutual trust, and honesty.⁸ Emotional withdrawal by one partner can make intimacy feel forced and hollow, damaging the relationship. Without emotional connection, both partners may become unhappy, leading to conflict or even separation.

People may feel rejected, abandoned, or inadequate when dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner. This can create a cycle where one partner constantly seeks connection while the other withdraws, leading to increased frustration and relationship instability. The emotionally available partner may be at risk of developing anxiety or depression due to the disconnection and emotional distance.

On parent-child relationships

Emotional availability from parents is predictive of several important child development outcomes, including: ⁹

• Attachment security
• Emotional regulation
• School readiness
• Social competence

When parents are emotionally unavailable, children may experience challenges in these key developmental areas. This can affect children’s ability to develop healthy relationships later in life.

On other relationships

Emotional availability is a flexible concept that can help us understand the quality of many kinds of relationships. For example, some researchers in Sweden are using it to study the emotional bond between therapists and their clients, while others are looking at it in romantic couples.¹⁰ New versions of the concept have been developed specifically for these types of relationships to make this type of research possible.

How to heal emotional unavailability

Healing emotional unavailability requires self-awareness and commitment to change. Professional therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or psychodynamic approaches, can help you identify root causes and develop healthier emotional patterns.

Research has found that certain interventions (like video-based programs and group sessions) can improve emotional availability, particularly between parents and children.¹¹ Connecting with a therapist who specializes in attachment and emotional availability can help you learn personalized strategies for growth.

How to deal with someone who’s emotionally unavailable

If you’re in a relationship with someone who’s emotionally unavailable, consider using these strategies to help manage the impact:

• Set clear boundaries and communicate your needs
• Practice patience while maintaining realistic expectations
• Focus on your own emotional growth and well-being
• Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist
• Encourage professional help without being pushy
• Recognize when it’s time to reevaluate the relationship

Remember that you can’t force someone to become emotionally available. They must be willing to work on themselves.

Visit our directory to find qualified therapists who specialize in relationships and emotional challenges. They can help you navigate the complexities of emotional availability and develop stronger connections.