Avoidant attachment: Signs, causes, and how to heal

Reviewed by Susan Radzilowski, MSW, LMSW, ACSW

Written by

08/20/2024

A man tries to talk to his partner but she looks into the distance and doesn't engage

What is avoidant attachment?

Avoidant attachment, also known as dismissive-avoidant or anxious-avoidant attachment, is a type of insecure attachment style. Attachment styles develop early in life and affect how people form and maintain emotional bonds with others, particularly in close relationships.

There are four primary attachment styles, which include secure attachment plus three insecure attachment styles:

Avoidant attachment in relationships is characterized by a tendency to avoid emotional intimacy and maintain distance. People with avoidant attachment often struggle to trust others and may have difficulty expressing their feelings or needs.

Anxious vs. avoidant attachment

Anxious attachment and avoidant attachment are fairly opposite from each other. While anxiously attached people crave closeness and fear abandonment, avoidantly attached people tend to push others away and value independence. Those with anxious attachment often seek reassurance and validation, whereas those who are avoidant may withdraw or shut down emotionally when faced with intimacy.

Disorganized attachment is basically a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, which sometimes leads to inconsistent or unpredictable responses in relationships. People with disorganized attachment may desire closeness while also fearing it, creating a seemingly chaotic dynamic.

What causes avoidant attachment?

Attachment difficulties typically develop in childhood due to inconsistent or emotionally unavailable caregiving.¹ Children learn to suppress their needs and emotions because they fear they won’t receive support if they express them. This coping mechanism, in which they don’t allow anyone close enough to disappoint them, becomes a pattern that carries into adulthood.

Parents who are distant, dismissive of emotions, or neglectful can contribute to this attachment style. Traumatic experiences, such as abuse or loss, may also play a role. The emphasis that culture places on independence and self-reliance may also contribute to the development of avoidant attachment.

While environmental factors play a significant role, genetic predisposition can also influence attachment styles. Research suggests that certain personality traits, such as restricted expression of emotions, problems with intimacy, and social avoidance, are associated with avoidant attachment.²

Attachment styles are formed when people are very young. Because of this, it’s especially important to be mindful of children’s earliest attachment experiences. It can also be helpful to address any gaps in emotional or psychological well-being as early as possible.

Avoidant attachment style signs

Avoidant attachment style traits present in both children and adults, though the way they express them may differ.

Avoidant attachment in children

Children often develop avoidant attachment in response to caregivers that are emotionally unavailable, unresponsive, or dismissive of their needs. This causes children to downplay their needs and emotions because they feel they aren’t likely to receive the support they need in response.

Because of this, avoidant attachment in children may present as:³

Showing little distress when separated from caregivers
Avoiding or ignoring caregivers upon reunion
Difficulty seeking comfort or support when upset
Appearing self-reliant and independent at an early age
Reluctance to share emotions or experiences with caregivers
Difficulty trusting adults or authority figures
Tendency to internalize problems and deal with them alone

Avoidant attachment in adults

Adults with avoidant attachment may:⁴

Prioritize independence over emotional closeness
Struggle to express emotions or needs
Experience discomfort with physical affection or vulnerability
Withdraw during conflicts
Have difficulty trusting or opening up to partners
Avoid commitment or long-term romantic relationships
Suppress their emotional needs
Lack empathy or emotional understanding
Seek control in relationships
Be reluctant to ask for help or support
View partners as needy or overly dependent
Find it hard to deal with others’ emotional intensity or vulnerability

Avoidant attachment triggers

People who have an avoidant attachment style may not always show avoidant behaviors. Instead, certain situations or experiences can trigger their avoidant tendencies.⁵ Common triggers could include:

Feeling pressured to commit or increase intimacy
Experiencing criticism or perceived rejection
Sensing a loss of personal freedom or autonomy
Dealing with conflict or confrontation
Feeling overwhelmed by a partner’s needs or expectations
Encountering situations that require vulnerability
Experiencing stress or major life changes
Feeling suffocated or trapped in a relationship
Perceiving a threat to their independence
Encountering reminders of past relationships
Feeling pressured to share personal information

When triggered, the underlying fears of vulnerability, loss of independence, or rejection are activated. People with avoidant attachment may respond to these emotions by distancing themselves emotionally or physically. Even as they react to triggers, they may not be fully aware they are upset. They likely won’t crave help from their partner or ask for it.

When not faced with these triggers, it’s possible that avoidantly attached people will function in a more secure style. However, in situations where they feel pressured, criticized, or overwhelmed, their avoidant tendencies are more likely to surface as a form of protection.

Examples of avoidant attachment

A couple has been dating for six months. As their relationship progresses, one partner suggests they meet each other’s families. The other partner, feeling overwhelmed by the prospect, begins to make excuses for why they’re too busy to meet. They start taking a long time to respond to texts and avoid deep conversations, focusing instead on surface-level topics.

In a marriage, one spouse often tries to discuss the relationship and address recurring conflicts. The other spouse becomes visibly uncomfortable and changes the subject when these conversations begin. They often stay late at work or find reasons to be away from home, avoiding one-on-one time. During arguments, they shut down emotionally and physically leave the room.

A successful executive prides herself on her independence. She has a pattern of engaging in short-term collaborations that never progress beyond a few months. When colleagues express a desire for deeper working relationships, she finds herself losing interest. She often becomes drawn to projects with minimal team interaction.

Although the above examples illustrate avoidant attachment behaviors, they don’t necessarily show that a person has an avoidant attachment style. Some people may be more introverted, or have different communication preferences, without necessarily having an avoidant attachment style. It’s important to consider the overall patterns of behavior and emotional responses in any relationship.

If you’re having trouble understanding the communication patterns in your relationships, working with a licensed therapist may help.

The impact of avoidant attachment on mental health and relationships

Insecure attachment styles, which include avoidant attachment, are associated with a number of mental health disorders.⁶ These include:

Avoidant attachment often takes a toll on overall well-being. Avoidance behaviors can decrease psychological flexibility, resilience, and emotional awareness, creating a ripple effect that impacts various aspects of life.⁷ People with this attachment style frequently face challenges in maintaining healthy relationships, struggling to form and maintain deep connections.⁸

They may also find it difficult to adapt to changing environments. Their tendency to withdraw limits their ability to seek support and navigate new situations effectively. Compared to individuals with other attachment styles, those with avoidant attachment typically exhibit lower levels of self-acceptance.⁹ This further compounds their relationship struggles and adaptation difficulties.

People with this attachment style may also experience:

Higher rates of relationships ending
Challenges in seeking support during times of stress
Lower self-esteem and self-worth
Difficulty regulating emotions
Increased risk of social isolation
Challenges in instilling secure attachment in their children

How to heal an avoidant attachment style

Healing an avoidant attachment style is possible with self-awareness and effort. Some strategies include:

Recognizing and challenging negative beliefs about relationships
Finding safe environments to practice emotional vulnerability
Developing mindfulness to increase emotional awareness
Gradually increasing intimacy in relationships
Learning to communicate needs and boundaries effectively
Building a support network and practicing asking for help
Exploring childhood experiences and their impact on current behaviors
Engaging in self-compassion and self-care practices
Practicing patience and self-forgiveness during the healing process

Therapy can be particularly helpful in addressing avoidant attachment. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help identify and change unhelpful thought patterns, while psychodynamic therapy may be helpful in exploring childhood experiences.

Attachment-based therapy focuses specifically on improving relationship patterns. Group therapy can provide a safe space to practice vulnerability and receive support from others.

It can be difficult to know how to deal with avoidant attachment on your own. Visit our directory to find a therapist in your area who specializes in attachment issues.

How to love and support someone with avoidant attachment

Loving someone with avoidant attachment requires patience and understanding.

Respect their need for space while gently encouraging emotional intimacy.
Communicate openly about your own needs and feelings while setting clear boundaries.
Avoid pressuring them into situations that may trigger their avoidance.
Create a safe environment where they feel comfortable expressing themselves.
Celebrate small steps towards vulnerability and connection.
Be consistent in your support, demonstrating that you’re a reliable presence in their life.
Encourage them to seek professional help if needed and consider couples therapy to improve communication and strengthen your bond.

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