Disorganized attachment: Signs, causes, and how to heal

Reviewed by Stephanie Steinman, PhD, CSAC

Written by

therapist.com team

Last updated: 08/07/2024

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What is disorganized attachment?

Disorganized attachment, also known as fearful-avoidant attachment or disoriented attachment, is one of the four main attachment styles. Attachment styles are patterns of behavior and emotional responses that develop in early childhood and influence relationships throughout life.

The four attachment styles include secure attachment plus three types of insecure attachment: anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. Disorganized attachment typically forms when a child experiences a confusing mix of behaviors from their parent or caregiver, resulting in the desire to both avoid and be close to them.

Disorganized attachment style signs

Disorganized attachment can present differently in children and adults. Here are some common signs to look out for.

Disorganized attachment in children

Children with disorganized attachment tend to:¹

• Display mixed feelings toward parents or caregivers
• Switch between clingy and distant behavior
• Experience seemingly unpredictable emotional reactions
• Undergo quick mood changes for no clear reason
• Appear “zoned out” when upset
• Have difficulty receiving comfort when distressed
• Want closeness but also fear or reject their caregiver
• Act as a caregiver to their own carers

Disorganized attachment in adults

Adults with disorganized attachment often:²

• Have difficulty maintaining stable relationships
• Oscillate between wanting intimacy and fearing close connections
• Have unresolved feelings related to past traumas or losses
• Show unpredictable emotional reactions
• Struggle to trust others in social or romantic relationships
• Display heightened anxiety in relationships
• Send mixed signals to partners
• Find it challenging to form lasting bonds

What does disorganized attachment look like?

It can be helpful to provide examples of what disorganized attachment looks like in real-life situations to fully understand it. Here are some situations and how disorganized attachment arises within them:

Example of disorganized attachment in children

At a daycare center, a toddler’s parent arrives to take them home. Initially, the child is excited, running towards them with open arms and sharing details about their day. Their body language and facial expressions radiate joy and eagerness for connection.

As the parent gets ready to leave, the child’s mood suddenly shifts. They back away, look down, and hunch over. The child seems unsure, both holding onto the parent and pushing them away.

When the parent tries to comfort them, the child becomes agitated and lashes out. This behavior confuses both the parent and the child, creating tension. The child’s conflicting actions stem from their inability to process and respond consistently to their caregiver’s presence.

Example of disorganized attachment in adolescents

A teenager is called into the principal’s office for repeatedly skipping classes. When the teen’s father enters, their behavior quickly changes. They freeze, then rush to hug him, only to push him away angrily. Throughout the meeting, the teen alternates between seeking comfort and lashing out at both the father and principal.

The teen’s social life follows a pattern of forming intense friendships, followed by sudden isolation. These unpredictable behaviors clearly confuse both the principal and the father, highlighting the teen’s struggle with consistent emotions and relationships.

Example of disorganized attachment in adults

An adult woman enters her first serious relationship. Even though she craves emotional intimacy with her new partner, she finds herself shutting down whenever the opportunity to be vulnerable arises.

She wants to trust her partner and expresses deep feelings of love one day, only to become jealous and suspicious the next. This unpredictability leaves her partner feeling confused and emotionally drained. Both partners find it difficult to predict what each day will bring, making it challenging to build trust in this new and unstable dynamic.

What causes disorganized attachment?

Disorganized attachment often arises from inconsistent or neglectful caregiving in childhood.³ When parents or caregivers who are supposed to be sources of safety also become sources of fear, children may experience confusion and distress.

Adults who experienced childhood maltreatment are more likely to develop insecure attachment styles.⁴ This maltreatment could include physical abuse, emotional neglect, or exposure to chaotic and unstable caregiving behaviors.

Family environments that are unreliable or stress-inducing can severely impact a child’s ability to form a secure attachment style. Children exposed to these stressors may struggle to develop a consistent internal model of relationships, which can lead to difficulties in emotional regulation and interpersonal interactions later in life.

Other traumatic experiences, such as witnessing domestic violence or a loss, can also contribute to disorganized attachment. Additionally, parents who have unresolved trauma or mental health issues may inadvertently pass on their own attachment difficulties to their children.⁵

Mental health conditions linked to disorganized attachment

Disorganized attachment is mainly caused by a person’s environment and experiences, but genetics may also contribute. Insecure attachment styles, including disorganized attachment, have been linked with depression and anxiety.⁶ Certain personality disorders, especially borderline personality disorder (BPD) and antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), are also associated with disorganized attachment.⁷

These conditions often share common features with disorganized attachment, such as difficulty regulating emotions, unstable relationships, and a fragmented sense of self. It’s important to note that while there may be correlations, having disorganized attachment doesn’t necessarily mean a person will develop these conditions, and vice versa. Proper diagnosis and treatment by a mental health professional is necessary to address these issues.

The impact of disorganized attachment

Disorganized attachment can significantly affect a person’s mental health. Children with this attachment style often react to problems externally, expressing increased anger and aggression.⁸ They may also struggle to socialize and get along with other children.

In adulthood, disorganized attachment can lead to difficulties in forming stable and secure relationships.⁹ A person might find it hard to trust others, leading to conflicts and misunderstandings. This can make personal and professional relationships more strained and challenging.

Adults may also experience a heightened sense of vulnerability and a fear of abandonment in their relationships. This can cause them to display unpredictable behavior in relationships, pushing others away even when they desire closeness.

Disorganized attachment is also one of the attachment styles most strongly linked with poor overall health and quality of life.¹⁰ This may stem from the chronic stress and emotional dysregulation linked to this attachment style.

Common triggers for people with disorganized attachment

Disorganized attachment can have a big impact on a person’s relationships. It can be helpful to understand some common triggers, including:

• Feeling rejected, possibly by not having a call or text answered quickly
• Perceived slights, such as not being invited when other friends are getting together
• Feeling like someone is getting too close emotionally

Can you heal disorganized attachment?

Disorganized attachment can be challenging to deal with, but healing is possible with the right approaches and support. Various therapies have shown promising results:

Attachment-based therapy asks you to explore your past and present relationship with your caregivers to resolve past traumas and address challenging patterns.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps identify and change negative thought patterns while equipping you with healthier coping mechanisms.

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) targets traumatic memories to reduce their impact on present behavior. Attachment-focused EMDR is a version of the approach that integrates principles of attachment theory.

Parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT) improves caregiver-child interactions to foster a more secure attachment environment.

Group therapy provides a supportive community for sharing experiences and strategies with others facing similar challenges.

Mindfulness practices, like meditation and yoga, aid in stress management and emotional regulation.

Healing from disorganized attachment involves consistent effort and support. Seeking help from a qualified therapist can make a significant difference in your journey.

How to love someone with disorganized attachment

Dealing with disorganized attachment in relationships requires patience and understanding. Here are a few approaches you can take if you believe your partner has this attachment style:

Create a safe environment where they feel heard and understood. Show consistent and dependable behavior, especially when there’s conflict, so they can learn to trust you.

Validate their feelings by acknowledging their emotions without judgment. This helps them feel seen and heard. Simply saying, “I understand that you’re feeling scared right now,” can build trust.

Show empathy through your actions and words. Let them know you care and are doing what you can to understand their perspective.

Be patient and available. People with disorganized attachment may find it difficult to trust others. Be patient. Your willingness to be there, even when they push you away, can make a significant difference.

Stay consistent by sticking to your promises and being reliable. This helps build trust and can slowly reduce their fear of abandonment.

Set healthy boundaries that protect both you and them. This includes making sure your own needs are met while being supportive.

Suggest seeking professional help, such as therapy. With their permission, consider helping them search for therapists who have experience with attachment issues.