Covert narcissists: Traits and how they act in relationships

Reviewed by Stephanie Steinman, PhD, CSAC

Written by

therapist.com team

Last updated: 08/28/2024

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What is a covert narcissist?

People with covert narcissism have the same self-important and attention-seeking instincts as other narcissists. However, covert narcissists express these narcissistic traits differently than most people would expect. For instance, a person with typical narcissistic tendencies might boast openly about their achievements. Meanwhile, a covert narcissist may subtly fish for compliments by downplaying their accomplishments.

Some covert narcissists meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), but not everyone who exhibits narcissistic traits has NPD. Narcissism exists on a spectrum. People who exhibit narcissistic traits without meeting the criteria for NPD are said to have “subclinical” narcissism.

Whether they reach clinical levels or not, people with narcissistic beliefs may be either overt (grandiose) or covert (vulnerable) in how they express them.

Overt vs. covert narcissists

Overt narcissists represent the more “stereotypical” narcissist. They’re more extroverted and tend to openly display their grandiosity and need for admiration. They often come across as charismatic, confident, and attention-seeking.

In contrast, covert narcissists are less well known and tend to be more introverted and self-conscious.¹ They may appear shy, humble, or even self-deprecating on the surface while internally harboring feelings of superiority and entitlement.

Covert narcissist signs

Overt and covert narcissists share the same core traits, including fragile self-esteem, lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. However, covert narcissists exhibit these qualities in less obvious ways, making them harder to identify.

Some common covert narcissist traits include:²

• High levels of distress in relationships
• Low self-esteem
• Hypersensitivity to criticism
• Passive-aggressive behavior
• Tendency to play the victim
• Social withdrawal or avoidance
• Insecurity and defensiveness
• Intense, sudden feelings of anger
• Anxious attachment style

Research shows people with covert narcissism often feel empty inside and have trouble controlling their emotions, which is similar to some symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD).³ Though both overt and covert expressions of narcissism are related to NPD, covert narcissism specifically is more related to BPD.

How do covert narcissists act in relationships?

Covert narcissists can find it very hard to deal with both their own strong emotions and the emotions of others.⁴ Feelings like shame, envy, and rage can be particularly hard for them to handle. This is especially true when they feel self-critical or think they are failing or losing control in social situations. Because of this, they might avoid emotional interactions and withdraw from others to protect themselves from these overwhelming feelings.

Covert narcissists may exhibit behaviors in relationships that go against how we typically expect a narcissist to behave. Signs of covert narcissism include:

• Insecurity and sensitivity: Covert narcissists are highly sensitive to criticism and may be defensive or withdraw emotionally from slights.
• Emotional withholding: They might withhold affection, attention, or communication as a form of punishment.
• Stonewalling or using the silent treatment: They might suddenly stop communicating for days or weeks without explanation.
• Blaming others: They often portray themselves as the victim, even in situations where they’re clearly at fault.
• Gaslighting: They may manipulate their partner’s perception of reality, causing the other person to doubt their own memories or experiences.
• Guilt-tripping: They may manipulate situations to make their partner feel guilty for not meeting their unrealistic expectations.
• Jealousy and possessiveness: They may fear their partner’s independence and try to control their behavior or excessively monitor their activities.
• Negging: They might offer insults discussed as compliments. For example, they might say something like: “You look nice today. I’m glad you finally made an effort.”
• Self-pity: They often seek constant reassurance and validation.
• Secret superiority: They harbor a hidden sense of superiority but don’t openly show it. They act humble or modest while believing they deserve more credit.

Despite previous beliefs that they avoid relationships to protect their self-esteem, more recent research shows that covert narcissists are able to maintain intimate relationships.⁵ However, their relationships are driven by a deep fear of abandonment, which can lead to manipulation and even emotional abuse.

Causes of covert narcissism

The exact causes of covert narcissism, like many other personality disorders, aren’t fully known. Researchers believe that a combination of genetic, social, and parental factors could contribute to its development.⁶

Introversion, a key personality trait in developing covert narcissism, is largely genetic. Other personality traits that may contribute to covert expressions of narcissism include high personal distress, a fear of being taunted, and finding joy in making fun of others.⁷

Childhood experiences, such as inconsistent parenting, excessive criticism, or overindulgence, also play a role. For instance, trauma or neglect during formative years may contribute to the development of narcissistic traits as a coping mechanism.

For some people, cultural influences and societal pressures may shape narcissistic tendencies. This may be particularly true for people who grow up in environments that emphasize individual success and achievement over empathy and cooperation.

The impact of covert narcissism on mental health

Covert narcissism can have significant negative effects both on narcissists and those around them. People with covert narcissistic traits often struggle with depression, are less resilient than overt narcissists, and tend to experience more stress.^8,9,10

For those in relationships with covert narcissists, the experience can be emotionally draining and damaging. Partners and family members tend to experience much higher levels of stress than those who care for people with mood, neurotic, or psychotic disorders, and those caring for people with borderline personality disorder.¹¹ They’re also at a higher risk of anxiety and depression.

Can covert narcissists change?

While change is possible, it can be challenging for covert narcissists to recognize their behavior as problematic. They may resist therapy or self-improvement efforts due to their deep-seated insecurities. But with consistent professional help from a therapist and a genuine desire to change, some covert narcissists may be able to develop healthier coping mechanisms and improve their relationships.

The process typically involves addressing underlying trauma, building self-awareness, and learning empathy skills. Psychodynamic therapy, for instance, has been shown to benefit covert narcissists with BPD.¹² It’s important to note that change requires long-term commitment and successful treatment looks different to each person.

How to deal with a covert narcissist

Dealing with a covert narcissist can be challenging, but there are strategies to protect your mental health:

• Set clear boundaries and stick to them.
• Document instances of abuse or manipulation for your own clarity.
• Avoid engaging in arguments or trying to prove them wrong.
• Practice emotional detachment and don’t take their behavior personally.
• Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist.
• Focus on self-care and maintaining your own identity.
• Consider limiting contact or ending the relationship if necessary.

Remember, you’re not responsible for changing or “fixing” a covert narcissist, even if they’re a loved one. Your responsibility is to protect your own well-being.

Seeking professional help can be useful in learning to navigate interactions with a covert narcissist. Visit our directory to find a qualified therapist in your area who specializes in personality disorders and relationship issues. 

If someone’s treatment of you has crossed the line into abuse, help is available. You can get free, confidential help 24/7 when you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).