Stonewalling: Meaning, effects, and how to respond

Reviewed by Robert Bogenberger, PhD

Written by

therapist.com team

Last updated: 08/09/2024

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What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is a communication pattern where one person in a relationship withdraws from interaction, refusing to engage or respond. It can be a conscious or unconscious behavior, often stemming from feeling overwhelmed or emotionally flooded.

It’s considered one of the “four horsemen” of relationship breakdown in the Gottman method for couples therapy, alongside criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. Frequent stonewalling can severely damage relationships by creating emotional distance and preventing resolution of conflicts.

Is stonewalling abuse?

While stonewalling in a relationship is not inherently abusive, it can be a form of emotional manipulation when used to intentionally control or punish a partner.¹ In some cases, it may be part of a larger pattern of emotional abuse. For instance, stonewalling and gaslighting may be used together as tactics to undermine a partner’s sense of reality and self-worth.

It’s important to note that not all instances of stonewalling are abusive. It’s sometimes used as a coping mechanism when a person feels overwhelmed or unsafe. 

Is stonewalling a trauma response?

Stonewalling may be a trauma response for some people. Their behavior may stem from childhood experiences or past relationships where expressing emotions led to negative consequences. In these cases, stonewalling is a protective reflex, allowing the person to emotionally disconnect from potentially threatening situations.

How to know if someone is stonewalling you

Stonewalling is often characterized by the following behaviors:²

• Turning away physically
• Avoiding eye contact
• Crossing arms defensively
• Remaining silent or giving minimal responses
• Changing the subject abruptly
• Leaving the room or situation
• Engaging in distracting activities
• Refusing to acknowledge or address the issue at hand
• Displaying a blank or emotionless facial expression

Stonewalling examples

Stonewalling in marriage: A wife and husband are having an argument about household chores. The wife expresses frustration about her husband not contributing equally. Instead of engaging in the conversation, the husband pulls out his smartphone and begins scrolling through social media, completely ignoring his wife’s concerns.

Stonewalling while dating: A young couple have been dating for six months and are discussing their plans for the future. When the topic of commitment comes up, one partner becomes visibly uncomfortable and begins to shut down. They avoid eye contact, give one-word responses, and eventually claim they need to use the bathroom, effectively ending the conversation.

Stonewalling in the workplace: Stonewalling can sometimes occur outside of intimate relationships. For instance, a manager might stonewall an employee by ignoring their emails, avoiding one-on-one meetings, or dismissing their ideas without consideration. This behavior can create a toxic work environment and hinder productivity.

Stonewalling vs. the “silent treatment”

While stonewalling and the silent treatment share similarities, they’re distinct behaviors.

Stonewalling is often a response to feeling overwhelmed. But the silent treatment is a deliberate attempt to punish or manipulate, characterized by a complete refusal to communicate. Both can be damaging to relationships, but stonewalling is generally less intentional and may stem from a person’s inability to process emotions effectively.

If you’re struggling to cope with stonewalling or the silent treatment in your relationship, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. You may also want to consider couples therapy if the stonewalling is occurring within a committed relationship.

What is the root cause of stonewalling?

Physiological factors play a role in this behavior, as the body’s stress response leads to a “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction, with stonewalling being a form of “freezing.”³ But the emotional causes of stonewalling are more complex and can vary.

Some common motivations could include:

• Emotional overwhelm
• Fear of conflict
• Anxiety or stress
• Past trauma or negative experiences
• Lack of emotional intelligence
• Poor communication skills
• Avoidant attachment style

People who stonewall may have learned the behavior to cope with difficult emotions or situations in their past. They may have grown up in environments where expressing feelings was discouraged or punished.

Some people may stonewall out of fear of being vulnerable or a desire to maintain control in relationships. In some cases, stonewalling may feel like the safest way to respond to perceived criticism, avoid confrontation, or generally keep emotions in check.

What type of person uses stonewalling?

Stonewalling isn’t limited to any specific personality type, but certain traits may make individuals more prone to the behavior. As mentioned earlier, people with avoidant attachment styles, poor emotional regulation, or a history of trauma may be more likely to stonewall.

Additionally, people who have difficulty expressing their feelings, or who fear intimacy, might resort to stonewalling as a defense mechanism. It’s important to note that stonewalling can occur across genders, though men may be more likely to engage in this behavior during conflicts than women.⁴

Is stonewalling a narcissistic trait?

Some research suggests that stonewalling and narcissism are linked.⁵ People with dark triad personality traits, which include narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism, are more likely to experience conflict in their relationships and struggle to communicate to resolve them.

While stonewalling is more common in people with dark triad traits, it’s not exclusive to narcissists or any other specific personality trait. Many people who engage in stonewalling don’t have narcissistic tendencies.

The emotional effects of stonewalling

Stonewalling can have significant emotional impacts on both the person being stonewalled and the person doing the stonewalling.⁶ For the recipient, it often leads to feelings of frustration, rejection, and powerlessness. They may experience increased anxiety, lowered self-esteem, or a sense of emotional abandonment.

The person stonewalling may initially feel a sense of relief or control, but over time they can become emotionally disconnected and experience guilt or shame. This behavior can create a cycle of negativity, eroding trust and intimacy in relationships.

In the long term, stonewalling can cause a breakdown in communication and emotional connection between partners. It may result in increased conflict, resentment, and even the ending of relationships.

How to respond to stonewalling

Learning to stop stonewalling starts with becoming aware of the communication patterns in your relationship. If you’re in a relationship with someone who stonewalls you, use these strategies to address the issue:

Stay calm. Once you notice stonewalling behavior, take a moment to collect yourself. Avoid escalating the situation by remaining composed and patient.

Take a break if needed. If emotions are running high, suggest a short break to allow you and your partner to calm down and reflect. A minimum of 20 minutes may be needed to allow enough time for your bodies to calm down.⁷

Calmly express your feelings. Use “I” statements to communicate how your partner’s behavior affects you. For example, you could say something like, “I feel hurt when you shut down during our conversations.” This approach is less confrontational and may help your partner understand your perspective.

Practice active listening. When your partner does open up, give them your full attention and validate their feelings.

Seek professional help. If stonewalling continues, consider couples therapy to improve communication and address underlying issues. Visit our directory to find a therapist in your area.