Trauma bonding: Stages, signs, causes, and how to break free

Reviewed by Susan Radzilowski, MSW, LMSW, ACSW

Written by

therapist.com team

Last updated: 07/31/2025

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Have you ever wondered why someone stays in a relationship that’s clearly harmful? Or perhaps you’ve found yourself unable to leave a toxic situation despite knowing it’s not good for you. The answer may lie in a psychological phenomenon known as trauma bonding.

What is a trauma bond?

A trauma bond is an emotional attachment with an abuser that comes from a repeating cycle of abuse mixed with occasional rewards and affection. This cycle creates a powerful form of intermittent reinforcement. The brain becomes conditioned to seek the high of reconciliation after distress, creating strong emotional bonds that are very hard to break.¹

This phenomenon has traditionally been called “Stockholm Syndrome” in extreme cases, though recent research suggests that “appeasement” might be a more accurate term.² This emphasizes that victims in life-threatening situations aren’t developing genuine affection for abusers. Instead, they are using a survival mechanism to calm perpetrators and protect themselves.

Trauma bond vs. love

Trauma bonds can be confused with love, but they are very different.³ Healthy, loving bonds involve mutual respect, trust, and equality where partners support each other. Trauma bonds feature emotional instability, fear, manipulation, and coercion, with the abuser maintaining control over the victim.

In both trauma bonds and other types of relationships, people with high levels of “love dependence” may stay despite obvious reasons to leave, including abuse.⁴ They may believe their partner’s affection and security are more important than the suffering they cause.

This creates profound confusion and mental conflict as survivors struggle to reconcile moments of kindness with abusive actions, making it difficult to form a clear understanding of their situation.⁵

Features of trauma bonding

Trauma bonding doesn’t happen overnight. It develops through a complex cycle likely containing four key features:⁶

1. Power imbalance: The abuser maintains control over the victim and creates dependency.
2. Alternating interactions: Perpetrators deliberately switch between positive and negative behaviors to manipulate victims’ emotions.
3. Gratitude and self-blame: Survivors often feel grateful for rare positive treatment while blaming themselves for negative experiences.
4. Internalizing the perpetrator’s viewpoint: Victims gradually adopt the abuser’s worldview, justifying or minimizing the abuse.

These features contribute to a cycle where victims ultimately seek comfort from the person causing harm. The unpredictable mix of abuse and affection strengthens the emotional bond through intermittent reinforcement, making victims work hard to rationalize the dissonance between their partner’s caring and harmful actions.⁷

Trauma bonding signs

How can you recognize if you or someone you know is experiencing trauma bonding? It isn’t always easy to identify, but there are several key indicators:⁸

• Believing an abuser truly cares despite continuous abuse
• Experiencing intense guilt and self-blame for the abuse
• Defending or making excuses for an abuser’s harmful actions
• Repeatedly returning to an abuser despite attempts to leave

Patrick Carnes, an expert on trauma bonding, identifies additional signs including:⁹

• Obsessing about people who have hurt you
• Continuing contact with people who cause you pain
• Going “overboard” to help those who have been destructive to you
• Being unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships
• Remaining loyal to people who have betrayed you

The psychology of trauma bonds 

Several psychological tactics maintain trauma bonds:¹⁰

• Gaslighting: Abusers make victims doubt their own sense of reality and memories.
• Intimidation: Threats and displays of power create constant fear.
• Emotional manipulation: Alternating between abuse and kindness creates confusion.
• Fear-mongering: Keeping victims in a state of perpetual fear makes it seem safer to stay than leave.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, help is available. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or the Childhelp National Child Abuse at 1-800-422-4453, both available free and 24/7.

What causes trauma bonding?

Several factors contribute to the development of trauma bonds.

Biological factors: When we experience trauma, we naturally turn to attachment figures for comfort—even if they’re the ones causing the trauma. This bonding releases oxytocin (the “love hormone”), furthering comfort and attachment even with an abuser.¹¹

Childhood experiences: Research shows that childhood maltreatment and attachment insecurity significantly increase vulnerability to trauma bonding.¹² The connection is even stronger when both factors are present.

Substance use: In the specific context of sex trafficking, substance use plays a significant role in trauma bonding.¹³ Substance use can be a tactic used by traffickers, an overall risk factor for victims, and potentially be the subject of a trauma bond itself.

How trauma bonds impact daily life and well-being

The effects of trauma bonding extend far beyond the relationship itself.

Physical health effects: Trauma bonding and other forms of abuse lead to overproduction of cortisol.¹⁴ In the long term, this can damage the immune system, create high blood pressure, and contribute to a wide range of health issues such as headaches, digestive problems, and insomnia.¹⁵

Mental health impacts: Long-term effects include chronic anxiety, depression, and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that interfere with daily functioning. Survivors might also suffer from low self-esteem and have trust issues in new relationships.

Social isolation: Trauma bonding often leads victims to withdraw from friends and family due to shame or feeling misunderstood. This furthers the cycle of abuse by removing potential support systems.

If you’re worried your loved one may be in an emotionally abusive relationship, there are steps you can take to support them.¹⁶ Remember that you can always contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or by texting START to 88788.

How to break a trauma bond

Breaking free from trauma bonds is challenging but possible. Professional help can be crucial in trauma bond recovery, involving various types of therapy:¹⁷

• Trauma-informed therapy acknowledges the impact of trauma on the individual and provides a safe environment. Its focus on healing and resilience could be helpful for survivors.
•  Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps address the thought patterns that sustain trauma bonds, giving survivors tools to recognize harmful patterns and develop healthier responses.
•  Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) techniques might help survivors address attachment issues and work through the emotional impact of trauma bonding.¹⁸

It’s important to note that couples therapy is not recommended in abusive relationships. If there are patterns in your relationship causing you pain or harm, start by seeking out individual treatment. Find a therapist online or in your area who specializes in trauma to get the support you need.

Helping yourself heal

While professional help is valuable, there are also steps you can take on your own:

Let go of self-blame. Recovery starts with identifying abusive patterns and understanding that what you experienced isn’t normal. Remember that abuse isn’t your fault and you can create a full and safe life for yourself through activities like journaling, prayer, connecting with trusted friends, and therapy.

Change your perspective. Refuse to compromise truth for promises—don’t fantasize about how an abuser might change. Instead, focus on the evidence of their consistent behavior patterns.

Create safety. Develop a practical safety plan including gathering necessary documents, setting aside emergency funds, and identifying trusted people who can help.

Build resources. Research shows that increased educational and occupational resources, economic independence, improved self-esteem, reconnection with supportive communities, and stronger social networks all support breaking trauma bonds.¹⁹

Focus on self-reconnection. Prioritize self-care, practice mindfulness, focus on personal strengths, set achievable goals, explore new interests, and establish healthy boundaries.

Support others effectively. If you’re helping someone in a trauma bond, listen without judgment, validate feelings without criticizing decisions, offer practical assistance, share information about resources, and be prepared to offer help multiple times.

What happens when you break a trauma bond?

The process of breaking a trauma bond relationship comes with its own set of challenges that can be difficult to overcome. Just like breaking free from a substance addiction, ending a trauma bond can come with its own struggles and setbacks.

Despite being harmful, trauma bonds offer something that feels like stability.²⁰ The cycle of abuse becomes familiar and somewhat predictable. Breaking free means stepping into the unknown, which can feel frightening and disorienting.

This is why seeking professional help during the process of breaking a trauma bond is so important. The challenges of disorientation and rebuilding your sense of self are difficult to navigate alone.

Visit our directory to find a qualified therapist who can provide the support and guidance needed to work through these difficulties safely.