Secure attachment: What it looks like and how to develop it

Reviewed by Susan Radzilowski, MSW, LMSW, ACSW

Written by

therapist.com team

Last updated: 10/29/2025

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Secure attachment is one of the four attachment styles that shape how we connect with others throughout our lives. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, helps us understand how early relationships with caregivers create patterns that influence how we relate to others as adults.

What is a secure attachment style?

A secure attachment style is created when a child feels confident that their caregiver will be able to provide comfort and safety in times of stress. This pattern of trust continues as they age into adulthood, generally creating positive, close relationships.

Securely attached individuals have positive models of themselves and others, feeling worthy while expecting others to be accepting and responsive.¹ When children have formed a secure attachment with their caregivers, they feel secure in later relationships and develop the confidence to explore the world while maintaining healthy connections.

In addition to secure attachment, there’s three types of insecure attachment:

• Anxious (or preoccupied): Marked by worry and lack of trust
• Avoidant (or dismissive): Marked by discomfort with intimacy
• Disorganized (or fearful-avoidant): Marked by inconsistent relationship patterns

Secure vs. insecure attachment

Secure and insecure attachment styles affect many areas of life. They can influence how you relate both to yourself and to others.

Secure attachment is associated with:²

• Lower levels of depression and anxiety symptoms
• Better emotion regulation
• Strong intimate relationships
• Greater autonomy and self-acceptance

Insecure attachment, on the other hand, is linked to a wide range of relationship and mental health challenges:

• Difficulty trusting others
• Fear of abandonment
• Avoidance of closeness
• Problems managing emotions
• Trouble maintaining stable relationships

Research shows that insecurely attached individuals are likely to develop fewer social skills and communicate less effectively.³ They may feel anxious often, even in non-threatening situations.

It’s worth noting that an insecure attachment doesn’t have to be permanent. Attachment styles can change over time through new experiences, relationships, and help from a professional.⁴

If you think you or your child are showing signs of insecure attachment, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. They can help you create healthier patterns in how you relate to others.

What does secure attachment look like?

Put simply, secure attachment shows up as an openness to, and trust in, close relationships with others. People with secure attachment styles see their relationship partners as safe havens during stress and a secure base they can return to while exploring the world.⁵

Signs of secure attachment in kids

Securely attached children seek comfort when distressed and are easily soothed by caregivers. Securely attached children tend to:⁶

• Feel comfortable exploring when parents are nearby
• Get upset when separated but calm down quickly when reunited
• Show more positive emotions overall
• Respond appropriately to changing situations

These children also show greater curiosity, self-reliance, and independence while still maintaining close relationships with their caregivers.⁷ They’re more likely to grow up to become resilient and competent adults.

Signs of secure attachment in adults

Adults with secure attachment carry these positive patterns into their adult relationships. They’re comfortable with intimacy and depending on others, demonstrating confidence in others’ emotional availability.

Patterns you may notice in securely attached adults include:⁸

• Higher levels of mental well-being
• Better stress management
• Greater emotional stability
• Comfort with both independence and closeness

These adults can depend on others without losing their sense of self. They handle relationship conflicts by discussing problems openly rather than becoming defensive or withdrawing completely.

In romantic relationships specifically, secure adults show greater relationship satisfaction, commitment, and trust compared to those with insecure attachment styles.⁹ They experience more frequent positive emotions and less frequent negative emotions in their relationships.

During stressful times, secure individuals are more likely to seek appropriate support from their partners, and to offer support when their partners are distressed.¹⁰ They don’t avoid seeking help when they need it, nor do they become overly dependent.

How secure attachment is formed

Secure attachment develops through responsive parenting, where caregivers demonstrate warmth, availability, and sensitivity to children’s cues during distress.¹¹

This means caregivers:

• Pay attention to what children need, responding to their signals
• Provide physical care, emotional communication, and affection
• Use eye contact, physical touch, or praise to reinforce children’s attempts to communicate
• Offer comfort when children are upset
• Provide reassurance during scary times
• Give children enough “space” when they are playing or exploring the world independently

Overall, responsive caregivers are aware of their children’s needs and wants and respond to that information. They “resonate” with the child’s messages even when they’re difficult for others to understand.

While responsive parenting is important, it doesn’t mean parents must be “perfect.” What’s most important is that caregivers are generally available and responsive, especially during times of distress. Even when stressed by their own circumstances, caregivers who can respond to children’s motivations (not just their actions) are more likely to have securely attached children.

How to develop a secure attachment style

For both children and adults with insecure attachment styles, psychotherapy has shown success. It can help people develop healthier relationship patterns and shift toward more secure attachment. In particular, attachment-based family therapy seeks to reshape attachment dynamics within families and promote secure bonds.¹²

In addition to therapy, there are several strategies you can use on your own to help shift your attachment style to be more secure:

Develop self-awareness. Think about why you and others act the way you do, noticing what emotions drive your behaviors. Practice understanding the motivations behind actions, not just the actions themselves.

Build emotional regulation skills. Research shows that difficulty managing emotions is a key factor linking insecure attachment to depression and anxiety.¹³ Working on specific emotion regulation skills can help reduce these negative effects.

Key areas to focus on include:

• Learning to accept negative emotions rather than fight them
• Developing strategies to control behaviors when upset
• Building a grounded sense of life as manageable and meaningful

Practice mindful responding. Instead of reacting automatically based on old patterns, try to pause and consider what’s really happening in the moment. For example, when someone seems distant, instead of assuming rejection, consider that they might be stressed or dealing with their own challenges.

Be patient and consistent. Attachment styles can change over time through new experiences and relationships, but this process requires sustained effort. This is why it can be so helpful, and often necessary, to work alongside a professional rather than trying to go it alone.

A qualified therapist can help you understand your relationship patterns and develop more secure ways of connecting with others. Visit our therapist directory to find a professional near you who specializes in relationships and attachment-focused therapy.