Parentification: Signs, causes, effects, and how to heal

Reviewed by Susan Radzilowski, MSW, LMSW, ACSW

Written by

therapist.com team

Last updated: 12/19/2024

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What is parentification?

Parentification is when children take on adult responsibilities and caregiver roles before they’re developmentally ready.¹ Other terms used to describe this phenomenon include role reversal, adultification, spousification, and child carers.

Types of parentification

There are two main types of parentification:²

1. Instrumental parentification, which involves taking on physical tasks like cooking, cleaning, or caring for siblings.
2. Emotional parentification, which involves providing emotional support or comfort to parents or siblings.

Signs of a parentified child

It can be difficult to identify parentified children. They may simply appear mature and responsible for their age. But there are some signs that, taken together, could mean a child is experiencing parentification.

Behavioral signs include:³

• Taking on adult household duties (like cooking, cleaning, or sibling care)
• Acting as emotional support for parents (whether as therapist or mediator)
• Showing maturity “beyond their years”
• Struggling to say no or set boundaries
• Exhibiting perfectionism or overachievement

Emotional signs include:⁴

• Feeling responsible for “saving” the family
• Placing others’ needs above their own
• Feeling guilty when unable to meet others’ needs
• Suffering from loneliness and isolation
• Developing anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues (particularly in early adulthood)

Social and developmental signs include:⁵

• Having difficulty forming peer relationships
• Struggling with personal identity development
• Keeping their family role hidden from others
• Receiving praise for being “mature” or “responsible”
• Finding it hard to develop independence from family

If a child demonstrates any of the above signs, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have been parentified. Many of the behaviors could be due to the cultural norms the child is surrounded by, or personality traits they inherently have.

If you’re worried about a child’s mental or emotional health, it may be best to involve a licensed mental health professional. If you have concerns about a child’s well-being, help is available. You can contact the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline by calling or texting 800-422-4453. Professional crisis counselors are available 24/7 to provide support and help you find additional resources.

Is parentification abuse?

Parentification isn’t inherently abusive, but it can become a form of abuse.

On the healthy end of the spectrum is adaptive parentification.⁶ In this version, children temporarily take on responsibilities during family crises while being offered emotional support. When the crisis is over, they return to age-appropriate roles.

In cases of destructive parentification, children are chronically overburdened with adult responsibilities. These responsibilities interfere with their normal development, and they’re often expected to meet the needs of the parent.⁷ When this is the case, it may create a neglectful, or even abusive, relationship.

It can be difficult to understand family dynamics, and what crosses the line, from the outside. If you ever have concerns about a child’s well-being, help is available. You can contact the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline by calling or texting 800-422-4453. Professional crisis counselors are available 24/7 to provide support and help you find additional resources.

Parentification causes

Parentification often stems from absent or neglectful parents who are unable or unwilling to fulfill their duties.⁸ This may be because of multiple factors, which can include:

• Parental mental illness or physical disability
• Parental substance abuse or addiction
• Parental loss (whether by death, divorce, or incarceration)
• Crises (such as eviction or unemployment)
• Dysfunctional family dynamics (such as domestic partner violence)
• Relocating (such as immigrating to a new country)

In addition to the above factors, people who were parentified as children may expect their own kids to behave the same way.

It’s important to note that different cultures may have varying expectations of children in the family structure. This might impact how parentification is perceived or experienced.

Effects of parentification

Children who take on adult roles and responsibilities in their family may experience negative impacts. These children are more likely to:⁹

• Report mental health issues like depression and anxiety
• Display aggressive and disruptive behavior
• Engage in substance use and self-harm
• Show signs of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
• Struggle with socializing and interpersonal relationships
• Have trouble in school, marked by high absenteeism and poor grades

It isn’t guaranteed that a child will experience all or any of these outcomes. In fact, when children only briefly assume manageable parental duties, and receive recognition for their help, the parentification experience can actually be beneficial.¹⁰ These children may develop better social skills, coping mechanisms, and independence, leading to stronger self-esteem and personal growth.

The factors that can make parentification more positive include:¹¹

• Emotional support from family members
• Parents openly assigning roles to each child
• Parental support and validation
• Children having a positive view of their role-taking

The relationship between parentification and its effects on children isn’t always straightforward. Research suggests that children may report both positive and negative outcomes simultaneously.¹² For example, a parentified child might say that they experienced personal growth, but also carry more anxiety because of the experience.

The effects of parentification may depend on how much responsibility the child has and in what areas. For instance, children who have a lot of emotional responsibility (like providing emotional support to parents) combined with a lot of practical responsibility (like cooking and cleaning) might have different outcomes compared to children who have a lot of emotional responsibility but not much practical responsibility.

What happens when a parentified child grows up?

Children who are forced to take on tasks that are too difficult for their age without enough support can grow up to experience negative outcomes in adulthood, such as:¹³

• Higher rates of depression and anxiety
• Increased substance use and addiction
• Difficulty finding and keeping a job
• Poor physical health
• Lower educational achievement

Some adults, however, may learn to cope with their childhood experiences as they get older and gain maturity and independence. Research suggests that past relationship patterns continue to influence family interactions into adulthood, but that their impact is relatively small.¹⁴ Emotional closeness and control issues tend to have the most lasting impact on relationships between parents and their adult children.

When adult children get married, start living with a partner, or start working full-time, their relationships with their parents can became closer, more supportive, and less conflicted. Moving out of their parents’ home can also make the impact of childhood relationship patterns less intense.

How to heal from parentification

Therapy can help adults heal from childhood parentification. The deparentifying process involves:¹⁵

• Exploring shame-based experiences. These feelings can stem from the belief that they failed in their “parental” role or from the internalization of their parents’ emotional burdens.
• Resisting “splitting,” a defense mechanism where people view others as all good or all bad. In therapy, clients are encouraged to integrate these views and develop a more balanced and realistic perception of their relationships and themselves.
• Working with projective identification, which involves projecting your own “unacceptable” feelings onto another person. Therapists help clients recognize and reclaim these projected feelings, fostering a healthier sense of self and improving interpersonal relationships.

For parentified children, whether they’re still kids or have grown into adulthood, healing strategies may include:¹⁶

• Detriangulation from the parental relationship. This means removing the child from the role of mediator or caretaker between parents, allowing them to return to a more age-appropriate role within the family.
• Working with parents to resolve their conflicts independent of the child. This helps to reduce the emotional burden on the child and allows parents to provide mutual support to each other. This reduces the need for the child to step into a parental role.
• Working with multiple generations in the family to address and interrupt patterns of parentification that have been passed down. This can involve working with grandparents and other family members to change the family dynamics that contribute to parentification.

Healing from parentification trauma may involve individual therapy, family therapy, or a combination of both. Group therapy can also be beneficial, allowing you to connect with others who have similar experiences.

If you believe you’ve experienced parentification, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who specializes in family dynamics and trauma. They can help you process your experiences and develop healthier relationship patterns. Visit our directory to find qualified therapists in your area.