Gentle parenting: Techniques, pros and cons, and how to start

Written by

therapist.com team

Last updated: 12/12/2024

A mother kneels down to gently speak with her toddler daughter

What is gentle parenting?

Gentle parenting focuses on showing young children love and helping them manage emotions, rather than disciplining them. It emphasizes validating emotions before correcting behavior.¹

Childcare and parenting author Sarah Ockwell-Smith coined the term “gentle parenting” in her 2016 book. Though it isn’t a structured or systematic approach, gentle parenting has gained significant popularity on social media platforms and parenting forums. It’s viewed mainly as a mindset and philosophy for raising children from birth to age seven.

Because the approach to parenting is so new, there’s little empirical evidence for it. The first and only study to date on gentle parenting was published in 2024, which surveyed 100 U.S. parents who had kids aged 2 to 7.² About half called themselves gentle parents.

Gentle parenting vs. other parenting styles

Traditional parenting styles include:³

Authoritarian, which involves strict rules and punishment with little warmth.
Permissive, which has few rules or consequences with lots of warmth.
Authoritative, which sets clear boundaries with warmth and support.
Neglectful, which is when parents offer little involvement or guidance.

Of these four main parenting styles, gentle parenting most closely aligns with authoritative parenting. Gentle parenting, however, places an even larger emphasis on emotional intelligence and understanding the root causes of behavior.

Some people might mistake gentle parenting for permissive parenting because of its focus on empathy and avoiding punishments. But this is a misconception given that gentle parenting still maintains boundaries and expectations.

Gentle parenting techniques

Ockwell-Smith’s book discusses four main pillars of gentle parenting:

Empathy: Understanding and validating children’s emotions
Respect: Treating children as individuals with their own thoughts and feelings
Understanding: Learning about child development and age-appropriate behaviors
Boundaries: Setting clear, consistent limits while remaining calm and supportive

These principles can help parents build strong relationships with their children while teaching emotional regulation and problem-solving skills. Rather than using rewards and punishments, gentle parenting focuses on connection and natural consequences to guide behavior.

Based on these principles, parenting techniques might include:

Active listening and reflecting feelings back to children
Using “time-ins” instead of time-outs to process emotions together
Explaining the reasons behind rules and expectations
Modeling emotional regulation and healthy coping skills
Creating safe spaces for children to express big feelings
Offering choices within appropriate boundaries
Using natural consequences instead of punishments
Speaking calmly and avoiding harsh tones
Acknowledging good behavior without excessive praise
Focusing on connection during challenging moments
Working with children to find solutions to problems
Validating emotions while setting clear limits on behavior
Using positive language and reframing negative situations

Gentle parenting examples

Here are some real-world examples of what gentle parenting might look like:

Instead of a parent telling an upset child to stop crying, they might say, “I see you’re feeling sad. Would you like a hug?”
Rather than putting a child in time out for hitting their sibling, they might say, “I understand you’re frustrated, but hitting hurts. Let’s take a break together and find a better way to handle this.”
When a child refuses to clean up toys, instead of threatening punishment, a parent might say, “I know it’s hard to stop playing. Would you like to clean up the blocks or the stuffed animals first?”

These approaches can help children feel understood while learning appropriate behavior through guidance rather than force. For daily routine activities, gentle parenting might look like this:

Bedtime: “It’s time to start getting ready for sleep. Would you like to brush teeth or put on pajamas first?”
Mealtime: “I notice you haven’t eaten your vegetables. What could we do to make them taste better?”
Morning routine: “Let’s work together to get ready. Which part would you like to do first?”

Giving children choices like these can help them develop autonomy while maintaining structure. Parents guide rather than control, fostering cooperation through understanding and respect.

If you’re struggling as a parent, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who specializes in parenting or family therapy. They can help you develop strategies tailored to your family’s needs and circumstances.

Gentle parenting pros and cons

Gentle parenting might seem like an ideal parenting style in theory, but it comes with its fair share of challenges. Parents should consider both the benefits and drawbacks when deciding if this approach fits their family.

Pros

Gentle encouragement from parents helps shy toddlers feel less afraid and more comfortable in social situations, which can reduce their risk of anxiety.⁴
When parents use gentle guidance, children are more likely to listen and cooperate, especially at home.⁵
Parenting programs that use gentle techniques like positive reinforcement and nonviolent discipline may help reduce disruptive behavior in children, both in preventing problems and treating existing issues.⁶
When combined with a strong, secure relationship between parent and child, gentle parenting helps children develop a strong moral compass, including good behavior, moral thinking, and a positive self-image.⁹
Responsive parenting, a key part of gentle parenting, is strongly linked to better thinking skills and behavior in children.¹⁰

Cons

Gentle parenting requires significant patience, consistency, and emotional energy from parents. This can make it challenging to maintain during stressful times, in public settings, or when parents are exhausted.
Gentle parents who are highly self-critical or have perfectionist tendencies are more likely to struggle with their self-confidence in parenting.¹¹
Gentle parenting approaches—including warmth, appropriate discipline, and respect for independence—show only small reductions in behavioral problems in children.¹²
Some critics argue that gentle parenting may not provide enough structure or clear consequences for serious misbehavior.¹³

Is gentle parenting effective?

Overall, gentle parenting’s effectiveness may depend on the specific situation and behavior being addressed.¹⁴ It could still promote emotional development and well-being in children, but more research is needed to fully understand its impact and limitations.

Is gentle parenting creating a generation of entitled kids?

There’s ongoing debate about whether gentle parenting is creating a generation of entitled children. Critics argue that gentle parenting fails to properly teach children about boundaries and consequences, potentially leading to entitled attitudes.¹⁵

Supporters of gentle parenting, however, argue that when done correctly it shouldn’t create spoiled or entitled children.¹⁶ They point out that gentle parenting is not a lack of discipline or boundaries, but rather leading with empathy while still providing appropriate consequences.

It ultimately comes down to how it’s carried out. When parents maintain clear boundaries while showing empathy, children learn responsibility and respect rather than entitlement.

How to gentle parent effectively

If you want to practice gentle parenting effectively, you can start with these strategies:

Start with small changes in daily interactions.You might begin by practicing active listening during conversations with your child, and acknowledging their feelings before addressing behavior. Focus on one challenging situation at a time, like bedtime or mealtime routines.

Practice self-regulation by staying calm during difficult moments. Model the behaviors you want to see, using phrases like, “I need a moment to calm down,” when frustrated.

Set clear, age-appropriate boundaries while maintaining connection. For example, you might say, “I understand you want to keep playing, but it’s bedtime now. Let’s choose a book to read together.” This approach acknowledges feelings while maintaining structure.

Create opportunities for success by setting realistic expectations. Break tasks into manageable steps and offer specific praise for effort and progress.

Focus on teaching rather than punishing when addressing challenging behaviors. Help children understand the impact of their actions and explore better choices together.

Build a support network of other parents practicing gentle parenting techniques. Share experiences, strategies, and encouragement with others who understand the challenges and rewards of the approach.

Go easy on yourself. You’ll have days when you struggle to be patient or respond perfectly to every situation. When setbacks happen, acknowledge them, reflect on what you could do differently, and move forward with renewed intention. Consider seeking support from a professional if you find yourself struggling with the overwhelming task of parenting. Visit our directory to find a therapist near you

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The editorial team at therapist.com works with the world’s leading clinical experts to bring you accessible, insightful information about mental health topics and trends.