Navigating pace discrepancies in your relationship: Advice from Dr. Alexandra Solomon

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Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD

Last updated: 08/07/2025

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Do any of these scenarios sound familiar to you? You’ve been together for two years, and you’re ready to talk about moving in together. But your partner changes the subject every time you bring it up.

You’re a newlywed who is loving the stage of your marriage where you get to solely focus on your connection with your partner, but your partner feels a sense of urgency to start a family now.

Welcome to pace discrepancies—one of the most common relationship challenges nobody talks about.

As a couples therapist, I see this all the time. One partner is looking to, and leaning toward, the future while the other is firmly grounded in the present. What starts as a timing issue spirals into a widening of the space between “you” and “me.” This is tender stuff, and it’s so easy for the space between what I am ready for and what you are ready for to get filled with insecurity, impatience, miscommunication—and fear and doubt about the viability of the relationship. 

Here’s the thing: Pace discrepancies are completely normal. You’re not your partner, and your partner isn’t you. The chances that you’ll both want the same relationship step at the exact same moment? Pretty much zero. The problem isn’t the discrepancy itself—it’s what happens in that space between where you are and where your partner is.

Why we move at different speeds

Your relationship timeline isn’t just about love. We’re all influenced by what we see around us, our culture, and yes, gender expectations. Maybe you grew up watching friends marry by 25. Maybe your partner watched their parents’ messy divorce and learned that rushing is dangerous. These aren’t character flaws—they’re human realities that shape how we approach relationships.

When you’re the one hitting the gas pedal

If you’re ready to move forward, I get it. Waiting sucks. But before launching into another “Where is this going?” conversation, dig deeper. What are you really needing? Sometimes what feels like needing a timeline is actually needing reassurance that your partner is invested. Are there other ways they show commitment? Can you ask for more of that?

Try this: Change your language from “Why won’t you talk about the future?” to “How can we work through this together?” Resist ultimatums—they send partners running. Instead try, “I get excited thinking about our future together. Can we talk about what that looks like?”

Focus on the conversation, not the outcome. Approach with curiosity instead of anxiety. Honor the wound that might be activated by a lack of conversations about the future. 

When you want to pump the brakes

If you need more time, you’re probably feeling pressured and painted as the “bad guy.” That’s not fair. Often, slower-paced partners get caught up in assumptions about what their partner wants. Here’s a radical idea: Ask what they actually want instead of assuming.

Don’t let yourself get flattened into a “commitment-phobic” character. Maybe you’re thoughtful, or you’ve actually come far in this relationship already.

Try this: Ask for breaks when your chest gets tight during these conversations. Pay attention to what’s happening inside you instead of focusing on what your partner is doing “wrong.” Practice self-compassion—you don’t have to be perfect to be lovable. Honor the wound that might be activated by conversations about the future of your relationship. 

Working through it together

Pace discrepancies don’t have to end relationships. Consider couples therapy! These issues are perfect for professional guidance. Try weekly 15-minute check-ins about how you’re both feeling. This helps slower-paced partners build their “relationship talk” muscle while giving faster-paced partners regular connection.

Remember: This is a chapter, not the whole story. The goal isn’t eliminating the discrepancy overnight—it’s understanding each other better and finding ways to move forward together, even at different speeds.

Navigating pace discrepancies requires patience, compassion, and honest conversations. But if you can work through this challenge together, you’ll build skills that serve your relationship for years. The relationship that emerges won’t just be stronger. It will be more authentically yours.

Dr. Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, educator—and one of the most trusted voices in the field of relationships.

She is currently offering a Couple Therapy Certification Training Program for mental health professionals through therapist.com’s parent company PESI. The course begins August 25^th and features live, interactive calls with Dr. Solomon.

For additional practical guidance you can use in your own relationships, consider reading her most recent book (“Love Every Day”)  or visiting her website.