When online sexual behaviors feel out of control

Written by

Tammy Nelson, PhD

Last updated: 09/26/2025

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Understanding porn use without shame

In our digital world, sex happens more virtually than ever before. From streaming pornography to erotic chatrooms, sex cam sites, hookup apps, and even flirtatious text exchanges, online sexual behaviors are woven into the fabric of modern intimacy.

For many, this digital dimension can expand erotic possibility, providing pleasure, education, and connection. For others, online sexual behavior can be a source of secrecy and conflict—particularly when it collides with the expectations of a committed, monogamous relationship. 

This is the first time in history you can cheat on your partner while lying in bed next to them.

A question to ask yourself or your client, and one to discuss with your partner: Is porn use a problem when it’s private or only when it’s kept a secret? When is it an “addiction?”

The language of “porn addiction” is everywhere. Self-help books, 12-step groups, and viral social media posts warn of its dangers. But experts like David Ley and Marty Klein caution that framing online sexual behavior as an “addiction” oversimplifies a more complex reality and creates unnecessary shame.

It stigmatizes desire, implying that there’s a single “healthy” or “normal” way to be sexual. And it distracts from the real questions: Is this behavior in alignment with your values? Is it helping or hurting your relationships? Are you acting in integrity to your monogamy agreement?

When online behavior becomes a concern

Not everyone who uses pornography has a problem, just like not everyone who drinks alcohol develops alcoholism. The key issue isn’t the behavior itself, but the impact it has on a person’s life and on their relationships.

Instead of asking “Am I addicted to porn?” it may be more useful to ask:

• Am I masturbating to avoid my relationship?
• Is it interfering with my daily life?
• Is it effecting my job or my sleep?
• Am I present with others?

Sometimes the issue isn’t the masturbation, but the imagery that might be upsetting to the user, or to the partner who finds it.

Then the question becomes:

• Am I keeping secrets from my partner about what I’m doing online?
• Do I feel shame and guilt about the images, people, or videos I am watching online?
• Do I feel out of control with what and how much I am watching?

If you are having real-time online sex with real people, there may be more of a threat to a partner who considers this a type of cheating in a committed relationship. The questions you might ask yourself:

• Do I rely on online sex, in real time with real people, to cope with loneliness or boredom?
• Do I reach out to real people online to have sex with virtually, then feel guilty, ashamed, or isolated afterward?

Keep in mind, you are not “broken,” but it may be worth exploring the feelings online sex temporarily soothes or the conflicts in your life it helps you avoid.

If you’re struggling to identify what healthy sexual behaviors look like for you, help is available. Search our directory to find a licensed mental health professional near you.

Beyond the addiction model: What treatment really means

Treatment for problematic porn use is not about eliminating sex or “detoxing” from erotic images. Instead, it’s about exploring what purpose the behavior serves and what healthier, more sustainable strategies might look like. This is not a one-size-fits-all approach.

Therapy can help you explore your idea of what relationship integrity means and align your personal sexual values with your behaviors. Couples therapy can help to build trust and repair intimacy if there has been secrecy and betrayal.

Marty Klein points out that many people come into therapy convinced they are “addicted to porn” only to discover that the real problem is unresolved shame around sexuality itself.

David Ley emphasizes that pathologizing sexual desire can make people feel more trapped and less capable of change. The most effective treatment empowers people to reclaim agency over their choices.

The role of partners: Where the New Monogamy comes in

New Monogamy Agreements are explicit, flexible relationship contracts that couples co-create. Instead of assuming what monogamy means, each partner has the chance to define what fidelity looks like for them.

For some, private porn use is acceptable. For others, watching together can be exciting, but solo viewing feels like a betrayal. Some draw the line at explicit sites, while others are comfortable with flirtatious texting but not in-real-time encounters.

The point of a monogamy agreement is every couple gets to decide their own rules. Ruptures happen when personal boundaries are crossed. If one partner discovers the other’s online life inadvertently, it can create betrayal trauma and be difficult to repair. The more you talk with a partner, the less risk there is of potential hurt.

Creating a New Monogamy agreement

If online sexual behaviors are creating conflict in your relationship, here are a few steps to start rebuilding trust:

• Begin with honesty, not blame. A partner who feels hurt should share their feelings without shaming. Instead of “You’re addicted to porn,” try: “I feel shut out when you keep this secret. I want us to talk about what porn means in our relationship.”
• Unpack the meaning. What does porn or online sex represent for each of you? Is it a stress release? A fantasy space? A betrayal of intimacy? Naming these meanings helps move the conversation beyond accusations.
• Write down your agreements. Together, define what is okay, what is not, and what requires discussion. Is watching porn privately okay? What about paying for OnlyFans? What about online flirting with exes? Putting it in writing makes expectations concrete.
• Plan for flexibility. Desires change. Technology evolves. An agreement that works today may need revisiting in six months. Schedule regular “state of our monogamy” check-ins.

Moving from secrecy to intimacy

For many couples, the issue is not porn itself, but the secrecy, shame, and unmet needs hiding beneath it. When approached openly, online sexual behaviors can actually become a starting point for deeper intimacy and more honest conversations about desire.

The truth is, struggling with online sexual behavior doesn’t mean you or your relationship are doomed. It means you’re human.  

By rejecting the “addiction” label and focusing on relationship agreements, couples can transform what once felt like betrayal into an opportunity for rebuilding connection. Creating a New Monogamy means creating a relationship that is resilient, flexible, and fully unique to you.

Tammy Nelson, PhD, is an internationally recognized expert in the field of sex and relationships. She is currently offering an online certification course for therapists through therapist.com’s parent company PESI: the Integrative Sex and Couples Certification Training with Tammy Nelson. For more of her work, you can visit her website.