Shame: Causes, examples, and ways to heal

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therapist.com team

Last updated: 04/09/2024

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Experiencing some amount of guilt is a normal part of life. When you’ve done something wrong or caused harm, guilty feelings can encourage you to right your wrongs and avoid those behaviors in the future. But sometimes people go beyond helpful, healthy levels of guilt and find themselves engulfed in a sense of shame.

What is shame?

Shame is a type of painful, embarrassing self-consciousness. It can cause people to view themselves negatively, often harming their mental and emotional health. Shame is a common emotion, and there are many reasons someone might feel it.

Shame vs. guilt

It can be tricky to distinguish between guilt and shame, especially because you can feel both emotions at once. But there are distinct differences between the two.

When someone feels guilty, they recognize they’ve done something wrong. Guilt doesn’t change the way you think about yourself: You feel bad for having done something unhelpful or harmful, but you know it’s not a reflection of who you are. Guilty feelings are more likely to inspire us to make repairs.

Shame, on the other hand, involves feeling bad about who you are your core. It’s a complex emotion that can cause people to withdraw socially and have an intense fear of judgment. It can also sometimes result in defensiveness, anger, blame, or retaliation.

This feeling can be especially harmful for mental health when it attaches itself to things like:

• Your body or physical appearance
• Your identity
• Things have happened to you (e.g., being bullied, assaulted, or abused)
• Conditions you have no control over

Where does shame come from?

Shame has many causes and is influenced by each person’s unique personality, family, culture, community, and life story. You might feel shame about damage you’ve done, about social norms or expectations you’ve broken harmlessly, or for any number of other reasons.

In general, shame can be triggered by:

• Social norms: Communities, families, and cultures have norms and expectations around gender, race, ability, class, and sexuality. You may feel shame if you don’t achieve all those ideals, even if they’re unhealthy or impossible to meet.
• Religion: A faith community might shame people if their actions, circumstances, or identity don’t conform to the community’s beliefs.
• Trauma and abuse: Shame is a common and painful aftereffect of abuse, sexual assault, and other traumas.¹ The shame that survivors can experience may continue for years, impacting their relationships and mental health.
• Comparison: Circumstances that remind you of perceived shortcomings can stir up shame. If you’re struggling financially, for instance, seeing other people buy expensive items may make them ashamed of being unable to afford the same.
• Internal factors: Some people are more prone to shame than others, and shame tends to affect people more intensely in certain life stages (such as adolescence).² If someone has a mental health disorder, they’re also more likely to feel shame—whether due to their altered state of mind or from the stigma associated with mental illness.

Examples of shame

Shame can be involved in many different situations. It may come from outside sources, internal beliefs, or a combination.

Influence of shame

Sometimes we use shame to try to make others change their behavior. But shame teaches people to believe they’re inherently bad, making it harder for them to envision making better or healthier choices. Because of this, shame should never be used as a motivator. One study, for example, showed that people with addiction were more likely to relapse when shamed for their addictive behaviors.³

Shame as control

People sometimes use shame as a method of control. For instance, someone can be shamed into conforming to social norms for fear they’ll be excluded otherwise. This unhealthy dynamic happens in workplaces, faith settings, neighborhoods, schools, families, and friend groups.

Shame and stigma

Shame is one of the emotions that enables stigma. Stigma designates certain parts of people’s lives or identities as disgraceful and socially unacceptable, and it aims to set rules for what’s “allowed” and what isn’t.

Mental health disorders often carry stigma (though it has lessened over time), and this has real consequences. Many people are misinformed about or unaware of mental health issues, while others who want or need treatment may feel like it’s too socially risky.

Internalized shame

Shame that comes from outside sources can quickly become internal. Due to the prejudices of family, friends, or community members, many people feel they need to hide who they truly are in order to belong.

If you live with anxiety, depression, or another mental health condition, you might sense your family’s or community’s negative attitudes around mental health concerns and internalize those feelings as shame. If you’re LGBTQIA+, for example, you might internalize familial or societal prejudice in the form of internalized homophobia, biphobia, or transphobia.

Does shame work?

When people shame others, it’s often because they’re trying to change them in some way. But research suggests that the more shame a person feels about a behavior, the more likely they are to repeat it.⁴

Dangers of shame

Shame and shaming behavior, like most feelings and behaviors, can be contagious. Without help, people who have been shamed may turn to shame themselves as a tool to influence or control others.

People who are prone to feelings of shame are at higher risk for:

• Low self-esteem
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Addiction
• Disordered eating
• Self-harm
• Social isolation

In addition, shame can leave people feeling worthless or judged to the point that they won’t seek therapy or other support when they need it.

If you’re in crisis, help is available. Call or text the free, confidential 988 Lifeline at 988. You can also text HOME to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line. Both resources are available 24/7.

Healing from shame

Researcher Brené Brown, PhD, developed shame resilience theory to help people move toward connection and empathy and away from the distress, blame, and isolation shame can cause.⁵

Brown describes four steps in developing shame resilience:

1. Learn to recognize your feelings of shame and identify what triggers them.
2. Think about the elements that cause you to feel shame: how they work, why they exist, who they harm or benefit, and what their broader impacts are.
3. Reach out and develop compassionate relationships with people who can empathize with you.
4. Share your stories and talk to other people about theirs.

Brown’s research suggests that building relationships based on vulnerability and empathy can help you overcome the negative impacts of shame. Having this support system can also allow you to help others cope with their own feelings of shame.

Care and compassion

Two other important tools for healing are self-care and self-compassion. Caring for yourself means taking daily steps to support your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Self-care may look like getting good rest, eating well, staying physically active, socializing, seeking out care when you’re hurt or sick, and making time for activities that bring you joy.

Self-compassion, meanwhile, is a skill set you can develop that helps you replace self-criticism with kinder ways of thinking about yourself. Together, self-care and self-compassion can help you recognize your worth, even if shame is trying to keep you from feeling it.

Dealing with shame

Shame can seem overwhelming and difficult at times, but it is possible to move through it.

When shame strikes, take a moment to recognize what triggered you, identify the underlying situation, and name your feelings. Mindfulness techniques can help you get through the moment with less self-judgment and reduce feelings of anxiety and stress. Recalling positive things about yourself and your past actions can help you remember that this one moment of shame doesn’t define you.

If you’re feeling shame because you’ve done damage to others, try to shift your judgment away from yourself and toward your actions. Instead of convincing yourself that you’re a bad person, remember that your actions are separate from your identity. Focus on taking responsibility, making amends or repairs if possible, and doing better in the future.

Getting help

Talking with a mental health professional is an excellent way to confront and work to resolve feelings of shame. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), family therapy, couples therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and other types of talk therapy can help you get started.

It’s essential to find a therapist you feel safe with. Visit our directory to connect with a licensed mental health professional near you.